Before I jump into things today, I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to those of you who left me incredible comments and sent me wonderfully touching emails.
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To say I was overwhelmed by the response to Part 1 of Talking to your kids about Adoption would be a complete understatement!
It has truly been a blessing to me to be able to share my own journey and hopefully provide encouragement and support to others in similar circumstances.
And I want to wish a very Happy Father’s Day to my husband.
You are the most incredible Daddy to our precious kiddos and watching you as a Father inspires me to be a better Mother. I love you!And now, Part 2…
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I’ll never forget the first time I talked to my son about his adoption.
It was night-time and we were snuggled together in the big chair in his room.
I told him about how very special he was and how he was the answer to our prayers.
He listened very intently.
It went so much more smoothly than I thought it would.
Well, then again, he was only 1 week old!
Saying the word “adopted” felt very foreign to me.
It didn’t just roll naturally off my tongue.
I may or may not have practiced using that word when I was alone.
At least I hope I was alone, or someone might have wondered who the crazy lady was whispering to herself!
My son felt so much apart of me that I was worried that saying the a-word
would somehow take away from our bond.
would somehow take away from our bond.
But, of course, it didn’t!
It only strengthened the feelings of love I felt for him.
You see, when we realized that our family would grow through adoption, my biggest concern was how we were going to explain this to our children.
Would we mess up? Say the wrong thing? Not use the proper adoption lingo?
As my son got older, I realized just how very little he actually understood about the word “adopted”.
One time, when he was 3, he proudly announced,
“I not adodded!”
“I a dwagon!”
Translation: “I’m not adopted! I’m a dragon!”
Ummmm…apparently “adopted” and “dragon” fell into the same category in his little mind!
Ummmm…apparently “adopted” and “dragon” fell into the same category in his little mind!
When we began preparing him for the adoption of a sibling we said,
“Now, buddy, you know that mommy and daddy want to adopt a baby so that you will have a brother or sister. That baby will grow in it’s birthmother’s tummy just like you grew in your birthmother’s tummy and we will adopt him/her and they will be part of our family.
Isn’t that exciting?”
“Now, buddy, you know that mommy and daddy want to adopt a baby so that you will have a brother or sister. That baby will grow in it’s birthmother’s tummy just like you grew in your birthmother’s tummy and we will adopt him/her and they will be part of our family.
Isn’t that exciting?”
To which he replied, “Can’t you just go get a baby at Costco?”
Oh, if only it were that easy!
But, while he may not have fully grasped what this whole adoption thing was all about, we hoped that by hearing the term and hearing it said in a relaxed, loving way, it would be laying the foundation for conversations to come.
And if nothing else, it gave us lots of practice along the way.
I always joke that one of the best parts about parenting younger children is that a lot of your mistakes won’t be remembered or at least the memory will be a dim one!
But there is some truth to this when it comes to talking with them about their adoption story.
Don’t get me wrong.
It isn’t that we haven’t tried our very best to handle these discussions with wisdom and love.
It’s just that there is a learning curve when it comes to talking with your children about their adoptions!
What we quickly realized, and were thankful for, is that little kids have a very short attention span.
So, this means that these conversations don’t have to be long and elaborate.
They can take place in the car on the way to the store.
They can take place as you are tucking them into bed.
They can take place when you are jumping on the trampoline…oh wait…if you are anything like me you completely run out of breath when jumping on the trampoline making it impossible to utter anything more than, “I’m too old for this”.
I believe that if you begin practicing early on, you will find yourself become more and more comfortable.
And as they get older, your ability to be relaxed when they ask the harder questions about adoption will benefit everyone!
The question I get over and over again is this, “what EXACTLY have you said to your children about their adoptions?”
And, while this will vary from situation to situation, I believe the heart
of the message is the same across the board.
For us, adoption was the only way we would ever become parents so this is how we
have explained it to our children.
“We love you so much and we want to talk to you about how we became a family. We wanted a baby very badly and we prayed that God would bring one to us but He had special plan for how that would happen. Did you know that all babies grow in a woman’s tummy?
We weren’t able to grow a baby in Mommy’s tummy so another woman, your birthmother, grew you in her tummy. She gave you to us so that you could be our baby and we could be your parents. We are a forever family! We are so thankful to your birthparents,
and YOU are so special to all of us!”
But what if you didn’t adopt your children as newborns?
Or maybe you are a single parent and became one through adoption.
Or maybe you are a single parent and became one through adoption.
Here is another way you could word it:
“I love you so much and I’m so thankful that I am your mommy/daddy. I believe that every family is unique and special and the way that ours came together was through your adoption. That means that you were chosen to be my child which makes you extra special. I am so thankful that I am your mommy/daddy and I want you to know that we are a forever family!”
In our conversations with our kids, we always follow these statements by asking them if they have any questions for us. If not, we don’t push it!
Now, obviously as our children get older, the simplicity of these statements might not be enough to satisfy them. But we continue to pray for wisdom and guidance along the way. We trust that when those questions arise, we will be able to answer them with love and grace.
I also want to say that I realize that some of the circumstances surrounding adoption can present more challenges and even be downright messy.
Maybe you adopted your children after they had been in foster care.
Maybe their backgrounds are filled with trauma and tragedy.
The reality is, though, that all adoptions stem from a less than ideal situation.
That is why they are bittersweet.
I know that our children will have more questions about their own adoption stories as they get older. But for now, I truly believe that it is important to only give age-appropriate answers.
They aren’t emotionally mature enough yet to handle all of the details and history behind their adoptions.
And as their parents, it is our responsibility to gauge when they will be ready to know more.We never want to hide information from them, but we do want to be mindful of how we can protect them from knowing more than they are able to process at this time.
And as their parents, it is our responsibility to gauge when they will be ready to know more.We never want to hide information from them, but we do want to be mindful of how we can protect them from knowing more than they are able to process at this time.
And speaking of age-appropriate, I want to share with you a book we have read probably hundreds of times in our house. It has been a wonderful resource and our kids love it!
It is sweet, funny, heart-felt and handles the topic in such a gracious way.
Click here to find it on Amazon.
Another blessing was finding this incredible Adoption specific baby book.
My sister was actually the one who found it and it has been so wonderful to have for recording our kids’ adoption stories as well as their “growing up years”.
You can find this one here.
In closing, I hope you will indulge me by allowing me to share with you part of an email that was sent to me last week after publishing Part 1 of Talking to your kids about Adoption.
“I just read your blog post about the family tree – it is a beautiful story, not unlike so many others you have written, painfully honest and open. Your willingness to share your journey is touching and uplifiting! I just felt, after reading this one, I needed to make contact with you.
I am an adoptee and I can tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt that open, non-threatening, honest dialogue about one’s adoption story is very important.
When I was adopted as a newborn, in 1964, things were very different, private/open/international adoption were not part of the mainstream grid, Birth parent information was a closely guarded secret.
However, from my earliest memory I was aware of the fact that I was adopted. My first full sentence was actually, “I’m A Special Baby – I’m A Chosen Baby”. I don’t remember that, of course, but I heard the story thousands of times and it is prominently recorded in the huge, voluminous collection of memorabilia & keepsakes which my Mother called, My Baby Book. It is actually a chronicle of my every breath from the time they brought me home until I married
.
Somehow, my parents were able to strike the perfect balance, maybe by accident-maybe by design.
I never felt that being adopted made me less of a family member or less “their” child. There was always that tickle in my mind that said, “My Birth Mother Gave Me The Greatest Gift Ever, The Opportunity To Live In A Safe, Happy, & Healthy Home and Family”. Yet, I was just, Julia, Daughter of Sarah & Windon. Like so many others . . . loved, cared for, protected, punished when wrong, rewarded when deserved, sometimes frustrating, sometimes frustrated, but
ALWAYS LOVED.”
I am an adoptee and I can tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt that open, non-threatening, honest dialogue about one’s adoption story is very important.
When I was adopted as a newborn, in 1964, things were very different, private/open/international adoption were not part of the mainstream grid, Birth parent information was a closely guarded secret.
However, from my earliest memory I was aware of the fact that I was adopted. My first full sentence was actually, “I’m A Special Baby – I’m A Chosen Baby”. I don’t remember that, of course, but I heard the story thousands of times and it is prominently recorded in the huge, voluminous collection of memorabilia & keepsakes which my Mother called, My Baby Book. It is actually a chronicle of my every breath from the time they brought me home until I married
.Somehow, my parents were able to strike the perfect balance, maybe by accident-maybe by design.
I never felt that being adopted made me less of a family member or less “their” child. There was always that tickle in my mind that said, “My Birth Mother Gave Me The Greatest Gift Ever, The Opportunity To Live In A Safe, Happy, & Healthy Home and Family”. Yet, I was just, Julia, Daughter of Sarah & Windon. Like so many others . . . loved, cared for, protected, punished when wrong, rewarded when deserved, sometimes frustrating, sometimes frustrated, but
ALWAYS LOVED.”
Thank you so much Julia for allowing me to share this with everyone.
It is truly a blessing to get to hear another perspective and to know that love, honesty and openness go a long way towards a healthy, happy family!
If you have any questions about anything you have read, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
As you can tell, I’m very open and willing to share.
But, I also happen to be a really great listener too!
Thanks so much for coming along with me on this journey and for joining me at the Fence today,
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Oh My . . . How Honored & Flattered I Am!
Happy Father’s Day To All The Men Your Family!
Aren’t Dads The Best!
Bouncing Blessings In Your Direction, Everyday!
Julia
Vanessa, this is a sweet, thoughtful post. I have a childhood friend with two adopted children. Theirs is a heartfelt story too. They live in a small community and adopted their daughter from a young teenage couple who eventually married and had another daughter whom they raised. Over time, my friend’s daughter sought to find her birth parents, connected with them, and now the two families are friends. The two sisters have a loving relationship, and my friends have included the birth parents in many milestone events of their daughter’s life – ie. they were part of her wedding and her little sister was one of her attendants. I find it refreshing to know that families can be so full of love. My friend’s “adopted” daughter has children of her own now, and those cuties have two sets of doting grandparents from their mother’s side.
I know not all adoption stories of connecting with birth parents is as successful, but I know of others and each one is heartwarming.
Good luck with growing your family through adoption.
I just have to share a post I read today that ties into your beautiful adoption story.
http://stonegable.blogspot.com/2012/06/sunday-scripture-june-17-2012.html
Julia is a great friend of mine, and reading her thoughts here as well as yours brought me to tears. When I think about Julia with her parents, even though I have always known she was adopted, it was forgotten the second I would see them together. I only ever saw love. Just as it should be
Thank you both for all that you do…it has been so great getting to know you. Thank you for sharing the heartfelt moments of your life too..they always make me think, and smile….and most of the time cry {but we all need that sometimes!}
Your babies are so blessed to have you. What an amazing plan God had for them and your family.
I don’t always get to leave a comment…but I am always reading. I so enjoy these Sunday posts. They make me so proud to be a part of this blogging community. It’s amazing that God gave you a loud voice in this way…with all of your readers knowing that you give Him the praise, you are making Him smile
My brother is adopted, and has never been interested in finding his birthparents (as you said, in 1964, there were no open adoptions, etc.) One of my best friends is adopted, but she did not find out who her birth mother was until she was about 18. She told me just last week how glad she was that as an adoptee she had not had to deal with who her mother was until she was older. It was hard enough to deal with when she was 18. i found it abd interesting concept coming from her perspective. Thank you for being so open.
Thank you Vanessa for reminding us of the many aspects of your journey. It doesn’t seem possible that we’ve had “our boy” for nine years and our darling little girl for nearly five! What a blessing this has been for our family!
Love you girl!
Mom & Dad
Vanessa,
You are a fabulous mom and talking to your kids from the get-go is the best. When I was a kid, two girls (sisters) who were good friends were adopted. I remember when mean kids would taunt them, they would say, “my mom picked me, your mom got stuck with you!” Loved that response!! One of the sisters went on to find her birth mom and now has her in her life. The other sister chose not to. They are both happy with families and kids of their own. Here’s to accepting and being open to all kinds of families – no matter how they came into our lives, we love our kids!!
Kelly
I loved this follow up post, Vanessa, and I kinda feel like you wrote it just to me! I know that some of my concerns and questions that I shared with you were answered here, and I love you for that. I hope you will continue to share your story and your journey, as I do feel that it’s out responsibility as adoptive parents to educate the world on adoption! Thank you!!!
This is a great post. I love how you handle your children’s questions and emotions regarding adoption. My oldest child was adopted at the age of 3 and I told her her “life story” at bedtime each night. She always asked to hear it… so often in fact that I created a little book for her and had it bound and printed at Kinko’s. It literally was the story I told her at bedtime, so written in terms a 3 year old could understand. You can see it here: http://www.733blog.com/2010/05/personal-storybook-adoption-story.html
Vanessa,
Another tear-jerker of a post. Your story is so touching … and still evolving … and thank you so much for sharing it with all of us!
Linda
I ran across this blog looking for something else when I read this post. Both my children were adopted as infants internationally. I talked about adoption from day one to them. When I would rock them to sleep, wanted it to be a natural thing in their lives. Unfortunately my children and I have had to learn how to deal with rude nosey people that we didn’t know ask very personal questions.
My child now 8 and 12 know that adoption is just how they came to us it doesn’t define who they are. There is so much more to my children than adoption unfortunately not all people see my children as that.
Hi there! Not sure if you remember me but I met y’all at Haven!
Anyway, I was just catching up on your blog and found this story. LOVE what you wrote! We adopted our son when he was 10 mos. from Russia. He is now 5 and we know as we continue to talk about it we’re at the age where the harder questions may start coming! So nice to find I have this connection with you
Stephanie
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