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At The Picket Fence with Vanessa Hunt

Where Ideas for your Home Meet Inspiration for your Heart

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January 16, 2015

Of Hospitality and Julia Sugarbaker

Some teenage girls wait anxiously for the latest issue of ‘Teen Beat’ or ‘Seventeen’ to come in the mail.

I was not one of them. Oh no. Instead, every month I eagerly anticipated my mom’s latest edition of ‘Traditional Home’. This could explain why I always felt a tad out of place among my peers.

bosporous toile pillow on couch atthepicketfence

For several years running, the incomparable Dixie Carter was their writer in residence and while I loved seeing the photos of beautiful homes, what I really looked forward to was the way this genteel southern lady spoke right to my little Southern California girl heart. And while she will forever be Julia Sugarbaker from ‘Designing Women’ in my mind, I know that role was only a snippet of her life’s work.

But, I’m not really here to talk about her career.

Nope.

I want to talk about what she talked about. You see, every month she shared her thoughts on life and how we interact with each other. I think it was supposed to be a kind of ‘Miss Manners’ type of series. But the reality was that her insights went way beyond understanding which utensils to use in which order at a fancy dinner.

And there was one article in particular that has stayed with me for all of these years.

In it, Dixie Carter said that the purpose of etiquette is to make others feel comfortable.

Think about that for a minute.

coffee table decorating atthepicketfence.com

It’s not really about YOU. It’s about THEM.

And I’ve been thinking a lot about how this definition of etiquette is very similar to the definition of hospitality.

Or, at least what I think is the real definition.

You see, somehow in our culture, we’ve gotten it all mixed up and we think that hospitality only has to do with a home.

But, I don’t believe that.

In fact, when you get right down to the core of the meaning of hospitality, it doesn’t have anything to do with a structure at all.

And as I was ‘fluffing’ up my living room this week, I was thinking about what it means to be hospitable.

I love creating spaces that are warm and welcoming.

I love it when I find the perfect side table buried in the back of a consignment store.

wood side table between chairs atthepicketfence.com

Or when I move things around and finally find the best combination of items for the top of my grandmother’s china cabinet.

top of cabinet vignette atthepicketfence.com

But, the reality is, having a pretty home isn’t really part of hospitality.

Neither is hosting fabulous parties or having the most awesome media room for watching the big game or perfecting the best recipes.

I mean, I know a lot of people who can throw a fantastic party but if I ran into them in a store they may or may not be friendly to me depending on their mood. I’m sure you know some people like that too, right? 😉

You see, I think hospitality is actually more of a way of ‘being’. One definition I read said that hospitality was the ‘act of caring’

And friends, this act of caring can take place just about anywhere.

Yes, it should happen in our homes.

But, it should also be happening in our everyday interactions. There are opportunities all around us!

chippy candleholder atthepicketfence.com

One evening, not too long ago, as I sat watching my youngest at swim practice, I heard the tell-tale sounds of a kid throwing a temper tantrum. I looked over to the younger swimmers and saw a little guy who wanted absolutely nothing to do with the water. He wailed when his mom tried to get him to go in and then he wailed when she threatened to have them leave swim practice. She was in a lose-lose situation and this kid was only getting louder. And everyone was watching.

After somehow managing to scoop him up as his arms and legs flailed, she marched past all of us sitting there in the chairs and you could just see it all over her face. Frustration. Anger. Weariness. Embarrassment.

She was gone for awhile and then came back with her son in a more subdued state of mind. But as they got closer to that water, he went right back to wailing and flailing. This precious mom scooped him up again and marched in front of all of us again looking even more weary and embarrassed.

This time, though, as she was getting ready to pass by me, I reached out my hand to gently touch her arm and just said,

“It’s ok. We’ve all been there.”

And as her son continued to wail and flail, she looked at me with the most grateful eyes and the embarrassment that I had seen on her face earlier was now gone. We shared a chuckle together and then she hurried right on out of there.

It was a simple moment. Probably no one else noticed. But I like to think that in that 5 seconds of interaction, that worn out mom experienced an ‘act of care’. At least I hope she did.

keys on vintage books atthepicketfence.com

Dixie Carter said that the purpose of etiquette is to make others feel comfortable.

And while I think that hospitality is also about making others feel comfortable, I believe that it goes far beyond just that.

I think that hospitality is an opportunity to show love. And to show we care.

Once again, it’s about THEM not about US.

For some of us, extending ourselves in this way comes naturally. But for others it just feels so awkward and uncomfortable.

I mean, are we really all supposed to have the ‘gift’ of hospitality? Well, yes. Yes, we are.

1 Peter 4:9 “Show hospitality to one another without grumbling.” Ummmmm…doesn’t get much more blunt than that, does it? 😉

Hospitality quote from atthepicketfence.com

But, here’s the good news! Learning manners is a process, right? I mean, anyone who’s raised kids knows that teaching them to not chew with their mouths open or to remember to put the toilet seat down or to remember to actually flush the toilet or to say please and thank you or to wipe their mouths on a napkin instead of their sleeve (not that any of these things happen in MY house!) knows that it is an ongoing, daily effort.

So, doesn’t it stand to reason that learning to be more hospitable would be a process, too?

vintage demijohn atthepicketfence.com

We tell our kids all the time that the most important thing to us is only that they are trying and that we can see evidence of their efforts.

No one gets all of it right all of the time.

But, it’s the effort that’s put into something that really matters.

Whether that something is learning if you are supposed to use the bread plate on your right or on your left, or learning how to extend love and care to those around you.

Alexander Strauch said this, “Hospitality, therefore, is a concrete, down-to-earth test of our fervent love for God and His people.  Love can be an abstract, indistinct idea; hospitality is specific and tangible.  We seldom complain about loving others too much, but we do complain about the inconveniences of hospitality.  Hospitality is love in action.  Hospitality is the flesh and muscle on the bones of love.  Through caring acts of hospitality, the reality of our love is tested.”

I think even Julia Sugarbaker would agree with that, don’t you? 😉

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32 Comments Filed Under: Decorating, Good Thoughts

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Comments

  1. Vicki Brawley says

    January 16, 2015 at 4:01 AM

    I usually do not read inspiration on blogs. I quickly hit the delete button but today something called me into your piece about hospitaltity ( it was probably Julia Sugarbake). Your post was beautifully written and spoke to me. I am going to make it my purpose to make others feel comfortable and not just in my home. Habe a great day!

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:05 PM

      I’m so glad you didn’t hit the delete button Vicki! 🙂

      Reply
  2. Vicki S says

    January 16, 2015 at 4:21 AM

    Wow, beautifully said – great way to start my Friday here at work – reaching out to someone that might just need that slight touch on the arm. Have a great day! Love your blog.

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:05 PM

      Thank you so much Vicki!

      Reply
  3. Mimi Matthews Passionista At Large says

    January 16, 2015 at 4:22 AM

    How I LOVE this!

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:05 PM

      Thank you Mimi!

      Reply
  4. Becky says

    January 16, 2015 at 5:04 AM

    Love this post! Happy Day!

    Reply
  5. Julie says

    January 16, 2015 at 5:40 AM

    Well said!

    Reply
  6. Ann says

    January 16, 2015 at 5:42 AM

    I’d forgotten all about Julie Sugerbaker…I loved her! Well written and a very good reminder. Thank you!

    Reply
    • Ann says

      January 16, 2015 at 5:43 AM

      *Julia

      Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:06 PM

      Thanks friend! Have a great weekend!

      Reply
  7. Pat says

    January 16, 2015 at 7:00 AM

    Love this! I always loved Julia Sugarbaker and “Designing Women”. In fact, I’ve been watching re-runs on a local channel, however, they just stopped them. I agree that hospitality can be shown wherever you are. One can make a real difference in someone’s life by just taking a moment, or longer, to “be” there with and for them.

    xo
    Pat

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:07 PM

      I’ve been watching the reruns too and crack up every time! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by Pat.

      Reply
  8. Kara says

    January 16, 2015 at 7:25 AM

    I’ve always felt that you have an exceptional gift of hospitality, in the true meaning of the word. You take such consideration and care of your guests, providing delicious food, toys for small children (even though yours have long outgrown them) and gracious comments about how it’s okay if a rowdy boy (I think it was mine) knocks something over because it was “just from TJ Maxx” 🙂 And all of this takes place in an incredibly beautiful home. You have a gift, Friend, and you use it well.

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:07 PM

      Sweet friend your words made me cry!! Love you! 🙂

      Reply
  9. Teresa says

    January 16, 2015 at 8:49 AM

    Beautifully written post and I loved that you referenced Dixie Carter because she was the true essence of Southern hospitality. I just loved listening to her talk!

    BTW…I can relate to your opening paragraph. I was always waiting for my Mom’s monthly issue of “House Beautiful” but I do remember “Teen Beat” and “Seventeen”. Every teenage girl couldn’t wait for their monthly issue to see the heart throb of the month on the cover. I know I am telling my age but in my time it was Davy Jones, Donnie Osmond and Bobby Sherman.

    Reply
  10. Renee @ The Refined Relic says

    January 16, 2015 at 9:42 AM

    What an awesome post. This is one of my favs! Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:08 PM

      Thanks so much Renee!

      Reply
  11. Alice says

    January 16, 2015 at 9:52 AM

    Nicely said.

    Reply
  12. Shirley@Housepitality Designs says

    January 16, 2015 at 10:50 AM

    Vanessa…I so love this post….I too was the one who would rather read a Better Homes & Gardens or Traditional Home rather than a Seventeen magazine…(are they still around?)….anyway that was me…and I must say that my mom had taught me the true meaning of hospitality….She always said that people come to visit the people and not the home…she always, always made people feel comfortable…always offering a special treat she had made or just a cup of tea or homemade lemonade…and I can say this with all sincerity, she had never, ever made anyone feel the least bit uncomfortable…she had always said that what every comes out of our mouth or what ever actions we take, we can never take back…so always be kind….I hope that I can live up to my mom’s true spirit and values.
    P.S. I so loved “Designing Women” … and remember Dixie Carter’s articles…a great example of a truly gracious person!

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:13 PM

      Shirley you are truly gracious and hospitable and have absolutely embodied all of your mother’s values and spirit. I’m blessed to call you friend! 🙂

      Vanessa

      Reply
  13. Joanne says

    January 16, 2015 at 10:59 AM

    Nicely put! Hospitality is not just welcoming friends and family into our homes but it is being open and welcoming to people visiting our city, our province/state and our country. It takes so little to put a smile on someone’s face and in doing so, you smile yourself.

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:15 PM

      Absolutely Joanne! Thanks so much for coming by today! 🙂

      Reply
  14. Susie says

    January 16, 2015 at 1:21 PM

    I immediately prayed…Lord …please pour out your spirit of hospitality on me.
    Thank you for this wonderful devotional on Friday afternoon.

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:12 PM

      Blessings to you Susie!! 🙂

      Reply
  15. Cheryl Ann says

    January 16, 2015 at 2:04 PM

    That was so beautifully written…I’m actually fighting back tears as I write this. Of course it’s about making others feel better. Sometimes people think I’m snobbish when in reality I just want to help us have a better day. Thank you… have a blessed day!

    Reply
  16. Karen says

    January 16, 2015 at 4:29 PM

    wish I’d known this years ago. That’s when I was in my martha stewart mode. Everything had to be perfect. And it was usually at the expense of my relationship with my family members right before our guests would arrive.thanks for these lovely thoughts.

    Reply
  17. Julie {Lilacs & Longhorns} says

    January 17, 2015 at 5:28 AM

    I love it when you share things that are on your heart, Vanessa. Great post and a great reminder of what hospitality really is. It’s so easy to get caught up in the home, the recipes, etc. It really is about having a HEART of hospitality.
    Have a wonderful day!

    Reply
  18. Doreen says

    January 17, 2015 at 1:02 PM

    This is such a wonderful post, Vanessa! I was that Mom with the little boy/boys with the temper tantrum (kicking, flailing, all of it)! I had those same moments! I try to encourage mom’s of boys especially because I’ve been there. Little boys can be a challenge and I had some embarrassing moments. When I see a Mom struggling now in the grocery store, wherever, I like to give them a word of encouragement – just like you did with that mom at the pool! Thanks for sharing your heart!

    Reply
  19. Susan Nowell @ My Place to Yours says

    January 17, 2015 at 5:02 PM

    Beautifully communicated, Vanessa. Biblical hospitality has been on my mind a lot lately; opening our homes to families in crisis. Do you have a Safe Families for Children organization in your area? See what you think… http://www.safe-families.org

    Reply
  20. Barbara Ann says

    January 26, 2015 at 12:21 AM

    I too usually do not read the Sunday inspiration posts. But you had me at Sugarbaker. What happened to hospitality? What happened to caring and common courtesy?
    Some after a certain age just seemed to not get the “proper training”.
    And I too always waited for each issue of B&G and my mom’s yearly copy of Ethan Allan’s newest book of furniture. Big thick and sections by style. Thanks for saying what some of us are thinking.
    Barbara Ann
    etsy.com / shop / barbaraannscreations

    Reply
  21. Katie says

    August 12, 2017 at 4:58 AM

    This is such a great post!! Happened across it this morning and was very blessed. Thank you!

    Reply

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I’m never.going.back to stressful, time-consumin I’m never.going.back to stressful, time-consuming seasonal decorating. When I think back on the years where I would feel all of the pressure to come up with something fresh and creative I’m seriously embarrassed. Truly. Because it was such a waste. A waste of my time, my energy, my resources. Something clicked with me a few years ago. I was just done. I needed to simplify. I needed to not spend an obscene amount of time looking at fireplace mantels on Pinterest and trying to figure out how to make mine look amazing. I needed to put it all in the proper place in my heart and my mind. Which meant, it had to go waaaaayyyy down on the priority list. So far down it almost wasn’t on it. And I needed to confess to the Lord that I had allowed it to become an idol. 

Yes, I want to have a home that I enjoy. Yes, I love pretty things. But something really amazing happened when I finally released it all. When I decided to not give into the pressure and panic I would feel when I would scroll through my Instagram feed. When I just laid it all down and said…enough. There was this incredible irony in it. Because, the less time I took to decorate my home for each season, the more I found myself loving the results. I think that all along I had just been getting in my own way. It’s really taken a lot of time and prayer for me to finally be at a place where even though I still struggle with insecurities and I still have doubts from time to time, I’m becoming increasingly more confident in who God created me to be. And, just like my home, I’m finding that as I relax into myself, letting go of the comparisons and the pressure, the more I can actually lean into the calling He has placed on my life. 🍂

Leave a comment if you can relate! 

#wearethehomemakers #homemaking
“As the alluring song of September begins to whi “As the alluring song of September begins to whisper in my ear, my passionate spirit yearns for the splendor of its promise.” (Peggy Toney Horton)

Happy September dear friends! While I’m not quite ready to let go of summer and I plan to make the most out of the lingering, warm days, I’ll admit to starting to think about my fall decor this year. And one way to get inspired is to take a look back at previous years. Here’s just a glimpse at some of the ways I’ve welcomed Autumn to my home! 🍂

#september #falldecorating #falldecor #falldecoratingideas #wearethehomemakers
Labor Day weekend might mean that we’re turning Labor Day weekend might mean that we’re turning the corner and getting closer to fall but I’m not quite ready to let summer go. So I’ll just be over here continuing to whip up some super simple summer meals for my family that frankly can be enjoyed in any season. These shrimp rolls I made the other night were definitely a hit and would be great for any of your upcoming holiday weekend gatherings!

Shrimp Rolls 🍤

Ingredients
1-2 lbs of shrimp that is peeled, deveined and tail off (If using frozen make sure it’s thawed completely)
1/3 cup mayonnaise 
1/2 of a lemon
2 Tbsps chopped scallions
1 Tbsp chopped dill
1 Tbsp chopped Italian parsley
1 Tsp of Old Bay seasoning (more if you like!)
pinch of sea salt and pinch of black pepper
Hoagie Rolls
Softened butter

Directions: Gently pat the shrimp with a paper towel to remove any excess moisture. Roughly chop the shrimp and place in a bowl. Add mayonnaise, squeeze half of lemon and stir to combine before adding in the scallions, dill and parsley. Stir to combine and then add the additional seasonings. Spread butter on hoagie rolls and toast in the oven until lightly browned. Pile on the shrimp mixture and enjoy! 

#shrimproll #foodie #weeknightdinner #easydinner #seafoodlover
Today has been a very Monday-ish kind of Monday. W Today has been a very Monday-ish kind of Monday. We woke up to the sound of chainsaws and rushed downstairs to find that our backyard neighbors were having two of the huge trees that line our shared fence removed. These trees have been here longer than the neighborhood and no, they weren't dead or causing damage to roofs, foundations, etc. They were beautiful and gave us wonderful privacy. We had no notice of this happening so this came as quite a shock. Because we were given no notice, we didn't have the chance to cover our outdoor furniture or plants and everything is now coated in a thick layer of sawdust including the fresh bark we recently put in the garden beds. And now our lovely privacy is gone, replaced by a direct view of an above ground pool and RV. I know, I know, it's totally a first world, privileged kind of problem to have. But, now we have to spend thousands of dollars on plants to try and recapture some semblance of privacy. Now we have days worth of clean up to do after we had JUST done a massive freshening up of our backyard. My overarching feeling has just been weariness at the way our world is today.

I think about how often we try to do right by people, to be respectful and courteous. To be thoughtful and considerate. And it’s not reciprocated. How its starting to seem more and more like people have just given up on those seemingly small niceties. And my soul just feels heavy. Because I feel like so much of what used to be common courtesy is not so common anymore. Drivers on the roads are angrier and more reckless than ever before. Red lights being run are an everyday occurrence around town. On our recent family vacation, I heard more people using the F word out in public than ever before even while around children. Where are manners? Where is kindness? I'm finding myself being surprised when someone is thoughtful because it seems like a rarity. And that's just all on a micro, local level. Don't even get me started on the insanity in our world/culture. After I returned from grocery shopping (which can also be soul crushing), I found myself desperate for a reminder of the truth. 

*Part 2 continued in the comments.*
How often is it in our lives that we don’t fully How often is it in our lives that we don’t fully grasp our strengths or our weaknesses until we are put to the test? Little did I know how much I would love my role as a wife, mother and homemaker until I became one. And that in my endeavor to do those roles to the best of my ability, it would bring to the forefront gifts and talents and blessings that I use outside of these walls.

As I water others, I’m watered too because it brings such joy to care for those around me. But it can also make me see more clearly the areas in which I’m lacking and be a very humbling reminder of how much I still need to grow and learn.

Proverbs 11:25 says, “Whoever brings blessing will be enriched and one who waters will himself be watered.”

Have you done any ‘watering’ of others this week? How has it blessed and ‘watered’ you in return?
“Mom, this is one of my favorite meals that you “Mom, this is one of my favorite meals that you make.” Statements like this from my kids fill me with so much joy and such a sense of assurance that my role as the maker of this home is one that makes an impact on them in both big and small ways. It’s not just sheet pan shrimp boil. 

It’s nourishment
It’s time together around the table
It’s laughing as we try to get the butter sauce out of the pan
It’s a memory
It’s an imprint on their lives 

The ordinary act of making a meal becomes EXTRAordinary. And I try to keep that in mind as I do this task day in and day out, year after year. 

***

Ingredients: 
1 pound baby red or yellow potatoes
Green beans or corn (4 ears cut in half) whichever you prefer
1/2 cup unsalted butter, melted
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 tablespoon Old Bay seasoning
1/2 tsp coarse sea salt and pinch of black pepper 
1 pound medium shrimp, peeled and deveined
1 (12.8-ounce) package smoked andouille sausage, thinly sliced
Crusty bread for dipping 

Directions:
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Lightly oil a baking sheet or coat with nonstick spray. In a large pot of boiling salted water, cook potatoes until just tender, about 10 minutes. Put potatoes, shrimp, sausage and green beans or corn on baking sheet. Pour butter over top. Sprinkle with old bay seasoning and salt and pepper. Mix well to combine. Bake for about 12 minutes or until shrimp is pink. 

#shrimpboil #sheetpandinner #sheetpanmeals #homemaking
Temperatures in the 100’s call for fresh and lig Temperatures in the 100’s call for fresh and light cocktails! My husband is my own built in bartender and he put this together the other night. 

2 jiggers of gin (you could also use vodka) 
*you should do a jig when using a jigger 😉*
Crushed ice 
Grapefruit tonic 
Squirt of lime 
Sprig of mint 

Easy and so refreshing!! ☀️

#cocktails #summercocktails
There is something magical about the late summer e There is something magical about the late summer evenings. Maybe it’s because we have a greater sense of the fact that these long days are slowly shortening and we want to savor them as much as we can. I know I intend to do just that. 

I hope you’re having a wonderful August so far dear friends!
Variations of this recipe are on repeat at our hou Variations of this recipe are on repeat at our house all summer long. We’re big on the ‘build your own’ method of making dinner especially on very hot days. Simplicity for the win! 
#recipes #easydinner #easydinnerideas #homemaking
In music, rhythm is a regular repetition or a grou In music, rhythm is a regular repetition or a grouping of beats. No matter what else a piece of music has in terms of its pitch or tone, the rhythm never changes. Its the stabilizing force and brings order to a composition that would be completely chaotic without it.

The same can be said of rhythms in our lives and in our homes. When everything else feels out of control, rhythms and patterns provide us with stability and something that we can rely upon to give us a sense of security in a very insecure world. But, too often, we associate the rhythmic things we do in our lives as merely tasks to be gotten through rather than gifts which provide much-needed balance.

Whether it’s making the coffee every night before we go to bed or doing my devotional in the morning before the rest of the house wakes up or watering my garden, these simple tasks provide a rhythm to my day that is truly grounding. 

What’s something that you do that you would classify as a rhythm or pattern in your week?
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