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At The Picket Fence with Vanessa Hunt

Where Ideas for your Home Meet Inspiration for your Heart

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January 16, 2015

Of Hospitality and Julia Sugarbaker

Some teenage girls wait anxiously for the latest issue of ‘Teen Beat’ or ‘Seventeen’ to come in the mail.

I was not one of them. Oh no. Instead, every month I eagerly anticipated my mom’s latest edition of ‘Traditional Home’. This could explain why I always felt a tad out of place among my peers.

bosporous toile pillow on couch atthepicketfence

For several years running, the incomparable Dixie Carter was their writer in residence and while I loved seeing the photos of beautiful homes, what I really looked forward to was the way this genteel southern lady spoke right to my little Southern California girl heart. And while she will forever be Julia Sugarbaker from ‘Designing Women’ in my mind, I know that role was only a snippet of her life’s work.

But, I’m not really here to talk about her career.

Nope.

I want to talk about what she talked about. You see, every month she shared her thoughts on life and how we interact with each other. I think it was supposed to be a kind of ‘Miss Manners’ type of series. But the reality was that her insights went way beyond understanding which utensils to use in which order at a fancy dinner.

And there was one article in particular that has stayed with me for all of these years.

In it, Dixie Carter said that the purpose of etiquette is to make others feel comfortable.

Think about that for a minute.

coffee table decorating atthepicketfence.com

It’s not really about YOU. It’s about THEM.

And I’ve been thinking a lot about how this definition of etiquette is very similar to the definition of hospitality.

Or, at least what I think is the real definition.

You see, somehow in our culture, we’ve gotten it all mixed up and we think that hospitality only has to do with a home.

But, I don’t believe that.

In fact, when you get right down to the core of the meaning of hospitality, it doesn’t have anything to do with a structure at all.

And as I was ‘fluffing’ up my living room this week, I was thinking about what it means to be hospitable.

I love creating spaces that are warm and welcoming.

I love it when I find the perfect side table buried in the back of a consignment store.

wood side table between chairs atthepicketfence.com

Or when I move things around and finally find the best combination of items for the top of my grandmother’s china cabinet.

top of cabinet vignette atthepicketfence.com

But, the reality is, having a pretty home isn’t really part of hospitality.

Neither is hosting fabulous parties or having the most awesome media room for watching the big game or perfecting the best recipes.

I mean, I know a lot of people who can throw a fantastic party but if I ran into them in a store they may or may not be friendly to me depending on their mood. I’m sure you know some people like that too, right? 😉

You see, I think hospitality is actually more of a way of ‘being’. One definition I read said that hospitality was the ‘act of caring’

And friends, this act of caring can take place just about anywhere.

Yes, it should happen in our homes.

But, it should also be happening in our everyday interactions. There are opportunities all around us!

chippy candleholder atthepicketfence.com

One evening, not too long ago, as I sat watching my youngest at swim practice, I heard the tell-tale sounds of a kid throwing a temper tantrum. I looked over to the younger swimmers and saw a little guy who wanted absolutely nothing to do with the water. He wailed when his mom tried to get him to go in and then he wailed when she threatened to have them leave swim practice. She was in a lose-lose situation and this kid was only getting louder. And everyone was watching.

After somehow managing to scoop him up as his arms and legs flailed, she marched past all of us sitting there in the chairs and you could just see it all over her face. Frustration. Anger. Weariness. Embarrassment.

She was gone for awhile and then came back with her son in a more subdued state of mind. But as they got closer to that water, he went right back to wailing and flailing. This precious mom scooped him up again and marched in front of all of us again looking even more weary and embarrassed.

This time, though, as she was getting ready to pass by me, I reached out my hand to gently touch her arm and just said,

“It’s ok. We’ve all been there.”

And as her son continued to wail and flail, she looked at me with the most grateful eyes and the embarrassment that I had seen on her face earlier was now gone. We shared a chuckle together and then she hurried right on out of there.

It was a simple moment. Probably no one else noticed. But I like to think that in that 5 seconds of interaction, that worn out mom experienced an ‘act of care’. At least I hope she did.

keys on vintage books atthepicketfence.com

Dixie Carter said that the purpose of etiquette is to make others feel comfortable.

And while I think that hospitality is also about making others feel comfortable, I believe that it goes far beyond just that.

I think that hospitality is an opportunity to show love. And to show we care.

Once again, it’s about THEM not about US.

For some of us, extending ourselves in this way comes naturally. But for others it just feels so awkward and uncomfortable.

I mean, are we really all supposed to have the ‘gift’ of hospitality? Well, yes. Yes, we are.

1 Peter 4:9 “Show hospitality to one another without grumbling.” Ummmmm…doesn’t get much more blunt than that, does it? 😉

Hospitality quote from atthepicketfence.com

But, here’s the good news! Learning manners is a process, right? I mean, anyone who’s raised kids knows that teaching them to not chew with their mouths open or to remember to put the toilet seat down or to remember to actually flush the toilet or to say please and thank you or to wipe their mouths on a napkin instead of their sleeve (not that any of these things happen in MY house!) knows that it is an ongoing, daily effort.

So, doesn’t it stand to reason that learning to be more hospitable would be a process, too?

vintage demijohn atthepicketfence.com

We tell our kids all the time that the most important thing to us is only that they are trying and that we can see evidence of their efforts.

No one gets all of it right all of the time.

But, it’s the effort that’s put into something that really matters.

Whether that something is learning if you are supposed to use the bread plate on your right or on your left, or learning how to extend love and care to those around you.

Alexander Strauch said this, “Hospitality, therefore, is a concrete, down-to-earth test of our fervent love for God and His people.  Love can be an abstract, indistinct idea; hospitality is specific and tangible.  We seldom complain about loving others too much, but we do complain about the inconveniences of hospitality.  Hospitality is love in action.  Hospitality is the flesh and muscle on the bones of love.  Through caring acts of hospitality, the reality of our love is tested.”

I think even Julia Sugarbaker would agree with that, don’t you? 😉

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32 Comments Filed Under: Decorating, Good Thoughts

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Comments

  1. Vicki Brawley says

    January 16, 2015 at 4:01 AM

    I usually do not read inspiration on blogs. I quickly hit the delete button but today something called me into your piece about hospitaltity ( it was probably Julia Sugarbake). Your post was beautifully written and spoke to me. I am going to make it my purpose to make others feel comfortable and not just in my home. Habe a great day!

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:05 PM

      I’m so glad you didn’t hit the delete button Vicki! 🙂

      Reply
  2. Vicki S says

    January 16, 2015 at 4:21 AM

    Wow, beautifully said – great way to start my Friday here at work – reaching out to someone that might just need that slight touch on the arm. Have a great day! Love your blog.

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:05 PM

      Thank you so much Vicki!

      Reply
  3. Mimi Matthews Passionista At Large says

    January 16, 2015 at 4:22 AM

    How I LOVE this!

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:05 PM

      Thank you Mimi!

      Reply
  4. Becky says

    January 16, 2015 at 5:04 AM

    Love this post! Happy Day!

    Reply
  5. Julie says

    January 16, 2015 at 5:40 AM

    Well said!

    Reply
  6. Ann says

    January 16, 2015 at 5:42 AM

    I’d forgotten all about Julie Sugerbaker…I loved her! Well written and a very good reminder. Thank you!

    Reply
    • Ann says

      January 16, 2015 at 5:43 AM

      *Julia

      Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:06 PM

      Thanks friend! Have a great weekend!

      Reply
  7. Pat says

    January 16, 2015 at 7:00 AM

    Love this! I always loved Julia Sugarbaker and “Designing Women”. In fact, I’ve been watching re-runs on a local channel, however, they just stopped them. I agree that hospitality can be shown wherever you are. One can make a real difference in someone’s life by just taking a moment, or longer, to “be” there with and for them.

    xo
    Pat

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:07 PM

      I’ve been watching the reruns too and crack up every time! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by Pat.

      Reply
  8. Kara says

    January 16, 2015 at 7:25 AM

    I’ve always felt that you have an exceptional gift of hospitality, in the true meaning of the word. You take such consideration and care of your guests, providing delicious food, toys for small children (even though yours have long outgrown them) and gracious comments about how it’s okay if a rowdy boy (I think it was mine) knocks something over because it was “just from TJ Maxx” 🙂 And all of this takes place in an incredibly beautiful home. You have a gift, Friend, and you use it well.

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:07 PM

      Sweet friend your words made me cry!! Love you! 🙂

      Reply
  9. Teresa says

    January 16, 2015 at 8:49 AM

    Beautifully written post and I loved that you referenced Dixie Carter because she was the true essence of Southern hospitality. I just loved listening to her talk!

    BTW…I can relate to your opening paragraph. I was always waiting for my Mom’s monthly issue of “House Beautiful” but I do remember “Teen Beat” and “Seventeen”. Every teenage girl couldn’t wait for their monthly issue to see the heart throb of the month on the cover. I know I am telling my age but in my time it was Davy Jones, Donnie Osmond and Bobby Sherman.

    Reply
  10. Renee @ The Refined Relic says

    January 16, 2015 at 9:42 AM

    What an awesome post. This is one of my favs! Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:08 PM

      Thanks so much Renee!

      Reply
  11. Alice says

    January 16, 2015 at 9:52 AM

    Nicely said.

    Reply
  12. Shirley@Housepitality Designs says

    January 16, 2015 at 10:50 AM

    Vanessa…I so love this post….I too was the one who would rather read a Better Homes & Gardens or Traditional Home rather than a Seventeen magazine…(are they still around?)….anyway that was me…and I must say that my mom had taught me the true meaning of hospitality….She always said that people come to visit the people and not the home…she always, always made people feel comfortable…always offering a special treat she had made or just a cup of tea or homemade lemonade…and I can say this with all sincerity, she had never, ever made anyone feel the least bit uncomfortable…she had always said that what every comes out of our mouth or what ever actions we take, we can never take back…so always be kind….I hope that I can live up to my mom’s true spirit and values.
    P.S. I so loved “Designing Women” … and remember Dixie Carter’s articles…a great example of a truly gracious person!

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:13 PM

      Shirley you are truly gracious and hospitable and have absolutely embodied all of your mother’s values and spirit. I’m blessed to call you friend! 🙂

      Vanessa

      Reply
  13. Joanne says

    January 16, 2015 at 10:59 AM

    Nicely put! Hospitality is not just welcoming friends and family into our homes but it is being open and welcoming to people visiting our city, our province/state and our country. It takes so little to put a smile on someone’s face and in doing so, you smile yourself.

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:15 PM

      Absolutely Joanne! Thanks so much for coming by today! 🙂

      Reply
  14. Susie says

    January 16, 2015 at 1:21 PM

    I immediately prayed…Lord …please pour out your spirit of hospitality on me.
    Thank you for this wonderful devotional on Friday afternoon.

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      January 16, 2015 at 8:12 PM

      Blessings to you Susie!! 🙂

      Reply
  15. Cheryl Ann says

    January 16, 2015 at 2:04 PM

    That was so beautifully written…I’m actually fighting back tears as I write this. Of course it’s about making others feel better. Sometimes people think I’m snobbish when in reality I just want to help us have a better day. Thank you… have a blessed day!

    Reply
  16. Karen says

    January 16, 2015 at 4:29 PM

    wish I’d known this years ago. That’s when I was in my martha stewart mode. Everything had to be perfect. And it was usually at the expense of my relationship with my family members right before our guests would arrive.thanks for these lovely thoughts.

    Reply
  17. Julie {Lilacs & Longhorns} says

    January 17, 2015 at 5:28 AM

    I love it when you share things that are on your heart, Vanessa. Great post and a great reminder of what hospitality really is. It’s so easy to get caught up in the home, the recipes, etc. It really is about having a HEART of hospitality.
    Have a wonderful day!

    Reply
  18. Doreen says

    January 17, 2015 at 1:02 PM

    This is such a wonderful post, Vanessa! I was that Mom with the little boy/boys with the temper tantrum (kicking, flailing, all of it)! I had those same moments! I try to encourage mom’s of boys especially because I’ve been there. Little boys can be a challenge and I had some embarrassing moments. When I see a Mom struggling now in the grocery store, wherever, I like to give them a word of encouragement – just like you did with that mom at the pool! Thanks for sharing your heart!

    Reply
  19. Susan Nowell @ My Place to Yours says

    January 17, 2015 at 5:02 PM

    Beautifully communicated, Vanessa. Biblical hospitality has been on my mind a lot lately; opening our homes to families in crisis. Do you have a Safe Families for Children organization in your area? See what you think… http://www.safe-families.org

    Reply
  20. Barbara Ann says

    January 26, 2015 at 12:21 AM

    I too usually do not read the Sunday inspiration posts. But you had me at Sugarbaker. What happened to hospitality? What happened to caring and common courtesy?
    Some after a certain age just seemed to not get the “proper training”.
    And I too always waited for each issue of B&G and my mom’s yearly copy of Ethan Allan’s newest book of furniture. Big thick and sections by style. Thanks for saying what some of us are thinking.
    Barbara Ann
    etsy.com / shop / barbaraannscreations

    Reply
  21. Katie says

    August 12, 2017 at 4:58 AM

    This is such a great post!! Happened across it this morning and was very blessed. Thank you!

    Reply

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