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At The Picket Fence with Vanessa Hunt

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February 4, 2020

It’s Not the Same

Out of all of the stages of motherhood so far, never have I felt the need for a support system more than during this season of raising tweens and teens. And I am incredibly grateful for a tribe of friends who are in the same stage because this is HARD!

Recently I met one of these amazing friends of mine for lunch and we were both unburdening ourselves as we shared some of the struggles our kids were experiencing, particularly in their friendships. More specifically, what our daughters were dealing with as they navigate the treacherous waters of middle school.

Our girls might be in different grades at different schools, but the challenges that they face are the same challenges girls are facing at every grade level at every school around the globe.

I could hear the hurt in my friend’s voice as she relayed a recent encounter her daughter had experienced. There had been some communication between friends about getting together at the state fair over the summer. Texts had gone back and forth but no firm plans were ever made. Later, she discovered that the girls had gone to the fair without her daughter being included. In fact, while attending the fair as a family, they ran into these girls there…together…having never bothered to let her daughter know that they were meeting up.

“I don’t think they were intentionally being mean”, said my friend. “I truly think that they just weren’t thinking and their moms probably didn’t even know that they had originally planned to include my daughter so they didn’t bother to make sure that she was invited. Kids at this age are so hyper focused on themselves that they tend to have blinders on and just don’t realize the impact of what they are doing.”

I completely empathized with her. Not only have I experienced this in my own life (as a child and as an adult), I’ve also witnessed as my daughter has been on the receiving end of this kind of behavior.

But, as we continued our conversation and processed through this tangled web of female friendships, one thing emerged that seemed to occur to both of us at the same time.

There is a huge difference between being unintentionally exclusive and being intentionally inclusive.

In other words, just because you aren’t being intentionally unkind doesn’t mean you are being intentionally kind.

You see, I think that somewhere along the line we’ve started making excuses. We make them for ourselves and we make them for our children.

We convince ourselves that as long as we (or anyone else) aren’t being outright mean that it’s pretty much the equivalent of being kind.

But, it isn’t.

Let’s say, for example, that there was a class bully. And one day that bully decided that they weren’t going to torment anyone. They might claim that day as a victory and pat themselves on the back for showing so much restraint. But, is that the same as them reaching out a hand to help someone up? Is that the same as the bully inviting the loner to sit at the table with them? Of course not. Simply being ambivalent, being neither here nor there, doesn’t equate to showing kindness.

Choosing to be kind requires more from us. It involves us getting out of our own heads for a moment in order to put ourselves in the shoes of another. Let’s face it, children (and many adults too!) aren’t all that great at this, particularly when they are at a stage where one of their biggest goals is acceptance and not rocking the boat.

Now, I know what question will come next because I’ve heard it before. “Does this mean we have to be best friends with everyone?” I’m not going to even bother to answer this because we all know that it’s a way to deflect from the heart of the issue. It’s not enough for us to say that as long as we, or our children, aren’t being outright hurtful/hateful that we don’t need to be called to a higher standard.

Because there is a whole lot of space between being ambivalent and being a best friend. Offering a smile, scooting over to make room at your table, choosing your words carefully, giving a helping hand, watching out for those on the fringe…these are all things that can be done without having to go buy matching BFF necklaces.

Recently I had the incredible opportunity to watch as my daughter put this into practice. I’m not going to lie, middle school has been rough for her. For example, a couple of months ago she was informed by a group of girls that they had taken a vote (a VOTE!) and decided that she wasn’t welcome to hang out with them anymore. She had struck up a new friendship with one of the girls in this group and the other girls just couldn’t seem to handle it. They literally marched up to her and told her that they had ‘voted’ her out. And the worst part was that her so-called friend didn’t stand up to these girls in her defense. This isn’t the first time she has been on the receiving end of this kind of hurtful behavior. Friendships she once thought were rock solid have changed practically overnight without so much as a look back. And the confusion and pain it’s caused has had us both in tears as we’ve processed and prayed about it together.

But, something truly beautiful has emerged from the ruins of these experiences. I’ve been witness to my daughter developing this incredible strength of character. As God has been healing her wounds, He has been reshaping her, molding her into the girl He wants her to be. A girl who discovered what it looks like to stand up for yourself while also being mindful of that fact that we are called to forgive and offer the same grace to others that is offered to us through Jesus Christ. I like to say that she has the welcome mat out in front of her heart but she isn’t going to let you muddy it up too much. She continues to stay true to herself even when she knows that means she won’t always ‘fit in’.

And, the other day, I watched as she was intentionally inclusive to someone who has actually been intentionally exclusive towards her. I witnessed her very purposefully reaching out to make sure that they felt included. I saw her showing kindness in a way that may have seemed so small it was barely recognizable to those around us, but it was incredibly powerful to me as her mother. She didn’t have to do this. I honestly wouldn’t have blamed her if she didn’t because I know how deep the pain has been over this intentional exclusion. Would it have fallen into the category of being mean or intentionally unkind if my daughter had walked on by and not reached out to include this girl? No. She wouldn’t have been knowingly trying to hurt someone. But would it have fallen into the category of being intentionally kind and inclusive? Again, no. If she hadn’t reached out, hadn’t risen above, she would have just stayed in that vast space between being unkind and being kind.

She would have stayed in that place that many middle schoolers (and people of all ages!) find so comfortable because they can always claim that they weren’t being outright unkind while never having to actually do anything that would require them to extend a helping hand to others.

What I loved the most about this is that my daughter knew that this small, kind gesture wasn’t going to instantly repair the friendship. She knew that they weren’t going to have a sleepover the next night or coordinate their outfits for school. She just knew that, in that moment, she didn’t want this girl to feel excluded. She was being intentionally kind.

And as we lay in her bed that night (she likes to talk with me or my husband before she falls asleep), I told her that I saw what she had done and affirmed her choice before praying over her. As I left her room, I reminded her that it’s never going to be the easiest way to do this life. But, it’s also never going to leave you with a life filled with regrets.

Just think what might happen if we all took this to heart. If we gave up passivity for proactivity. If we approached each day, each interaction with intentionality and a desire to leave people feeling better for having been around us.

I can imagine schools, churches and communities where the investment we pour into others, whether it’s one drop or a bucket full, overflows in such a way that it so deeply reflects the character and heart of God that they will be drawn to Him through us.

I pray it will be so.

“Kind words produce their own image in men’s souls; and a beautiful image it is. They soothe and quiet and comfort the hearer. They shame him out of his sour, morose, unkind feelings. We have not yet begun to use kind words in such abundance as they ought to be used.” ~ Blaise Pascal

15 Comments Filed Under: Devotionals, Faith Tagged With: devotional

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Comments

  1. Elizabeth says

    February 4, 2020 at 2:46 PM

    It sounds as if you are raising your daughter right. Kindness is always best, even though sometimes it is so hard when you have been hurt.

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      February 4, 2020 at 3:26 PM

      We are definitely trying our hardest to raise our kids well! Thank you for stopping by today

      P.S. My daughter’s middle name is Elizabeth. 🙂

      Reply
  2. Michele M. says

    February 4, 2020 at 3:04 PM

    Bravo, dear one. What a beautiful post.

    Oh, I cannot tell you how happy I am my daughters are adults now – middle school daughters – whew. Takes a special kind of armor – and you are outfitting yours with the best gear there is.

    It def takes more strength to be kind than to be mean or worse – complacent. Good for you….both.

    This too shall pass and you are setting her up for life. Hugs and prayers.

    Reply
  3. Doris Hall says

    February 4, 2020 at 3:24 PM

    One thing helped me with my five daughters I always taught them your life is about you. Just because some snooty girl tries to put you out or down Your life still goes on You got much going for you to tie your life up in them I tell them my story It was our star foot ball player Handsome his name in the paper every week. He would come by and chat with our group of girls always like ignoring me. He was a really friendly guy and to this day I do not think it was on purpose He would always say to people he passed in the hall everyone just loved that boy.I would think personal disappointing thoughts to myself and about my self Then after graduation he was wild stayed in trouble got married and cheated awful on his wife and family. Mean to his wife too.I kind of kept up with things I had heard and seen Talk about thanking GOD for unanswered prayers. So be nice and kind but don’t think your life is mixed up with theirs. It is an old saying to thine ownself be true. It still works today You got to live with you and for you.

    Reply
  4. Marilyn says

    February 4, 2020 at 3:29 PM

    Your daughter sounds like a sensitive young lady. She is mindful of others ‘ feelings. You are blessed to have such a daughter.
    Marilyn

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      February 5, 2020 at 11:04 AM

      I am SO blessed that she’s ours! Thank you for stopping by Marilyn! 🙂

      Reply
  5. Susan says

    February 4, 2020 at 3:37 PM

    Sounds to me you, your daughter, and husband are handling this sad situation in a positive and Godly way! Smart you lady!

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      February 5, 2020 at 11:04 AM

      We are doing our best Susan!! Lots of praying and lots of grace for them and for us! 😉

      Reply
  6. ROSE LEFEBVRE says

    February 4, 2020 at 8:49 PM

    Life experiences become lessons that can show you how to be with others by the way you felt at times. It can be good even through the hurt.

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      February 5, 2020 at 11:04 AM

      Absolutely Rose! It’s through the hard stuff that we really learn the deepest, most impactful lessons. I hate watching my kids struggle but I’m grateful that it’s molding them into really awesome people!

      Reply
  7. Carol Reddin says

    February 5, 2020 at 7:03 AM

    So proud of our beautiful, kind and loving grand-daughter. Love her so much.

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      February 5, 2020 at 11:03 AM

      She loves you too!! xoxo

      Reply
  8. Donna says

    February 5, 2020 at 7:47 AM

    I have to say boys go through this too. My grandson has had the same experience. He is on the quite side. Boys in his class had a sleep over excluding him. Breaks my heart!

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      February 5, 2020 at 11:03 AM

      You are so right Donna! Boys aren’t immune from the unkindness and I’ve watched my son struggle with this too. Praying for your grandson!!

      Reply
  9. Patty says

    February 5, 2020 at 2:45 PM

    Really such a beautiful post, Vanessa! Your family is so blessed to have each other – such loving support can make all the difference in how problems are handled!

    Reply

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On Monday my heart just felt so heavy. Yes, the po On Monday my heart just felt so heavy. Yes, the pouring rain outside contributed to my feelings. But the primary cause was this overwhelming flood of thoughts about how much in our world and in our culture is going off the rails. I’d planned to make pumpkin bread that day but I was tempted to just curl up in a ball on my bed, pull the covers over my head and pretend that this would actually solve something. I didn’t give into that temptation though. Instead, I got out my favorite pumpkin bread recipe and found that, as I worked and prayed and hummed worship songs, my spirit began to settle. When the world feels very loud, the demands of family and home can actually help to quiet our souls. As each family member walked through the door later in the day, they commented on how wonderful the house smelled. It’s better than any fall candle in my opinion! And I knew that the extra loaf that I get from the recipe would be a welcome treat for my widower neighbor. So, if your heart is feeling a bit unsettled this week too, maybe this recipe will come in handy!

Pumpkin Bread:

Ingredients:
1 (15 ounce) can pumpkin puree
4 eggs
1 cup vegetable oil
2/3 cup water
3 cups white sugar
3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and flour three 7×3 inch loaf pans.
In a large bowl, mix together pumpkin puree, eggs, oil, water and sugar until well blended. In a separate bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves and ginger. Stir the dry ingredients into the pumpkin mixture until just blended. Pour into the prepared pans.
Bake for about 50 minutes in the preheated oven. Loaves are done when toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. 🍂
Happy first day of Autumn!! 🍂 Here’s a super Happy first day of Autumn!! 🍂 Here’s a super simple centerpiece that you can make in five minutes (or less) with just a few pumpkins and extra faux greenery. Let’s spend less time decorating and more time enjoying this season. It’s my favorite!! 🧡

#fallcenterpiece #falldecor #centerpiece #fiveminutedecorating
"Define your day", she told me as I held my newbor "Define your day", she told me as I held my newborn son. My mom and I were talking about how blurred my days and nights had become and how easy it would be to just stay in my pajamas 24/7. She encouraged me to make an attempt to put on 'real' clothes in the morning even if they were just nice sweatpants (bonus if they were clean!) and to throw a little bit of makeup on. That simple advice helped chart a course for my years of motherhood that continues today. And recently I began thinking about how critical it is that we not only seek wisdom from those ahead of us in our stage of life but that we are willing to apply it as well.

So, I asked this question on my personal Facebook page; "What is something you feel you've done well to create a peaceful/meaningful home for yourself and your family?" The catch was that the question was geared towards women in the 40+ age range. The responses came flooding in and were so wonderful and insightful. So, I'm going to be starting a new series where I share this wisdom with you and will include the first name of the woman who offered it. 

Today we start with Alison who said "I learned to set my alarm early to get up and moving before my kids woke up. I showered, got dressed and did my devotions while the house was quiet. It set my heart and perspective for each day.”

Is this something you do in your life too? What wisdom would you offer to a mom of young children?

I truly think our culture would greatly benefit from more women in different seasons of life being willing to invest in each other. 🍂

#wearthehomemakers #homemaking #motherhood #parentingwisdom
If bread pudding is on the dessert menu at a resta If bread pudding is on the dessert menu at a restaurant I’m definitely ordering it! It’s one of my all time favorite treats. So I decided to try my hand at making some here at home with a little fall twist and it was SO delicious!! 🍎

Ingredients:

6 slices of day old bread (french, sourdough or even brioche works great)
2 cups of heavy cream
3 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 tablespoon bourbon (optional)
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
For the apples:
3 peeled and chopped apples of a tart variety
1 cup brown sugar
3 tablespoons flour (or corn starch)

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 350
Cut bread into cubes and place in a greased 8 1/2 x 11 baking dish
Whisk together in a bowl the eggs, cream, vanilla, rum, cinnamon and nutmeg and then pour it over the bread cubes. In a separate bowl, mix together the apples, brown sugar and flour/corn starch. Pour the apple mixture on top of the bread mixture making sure to spread the apples evenly across every part of the bread mixture.
Bake for 45 minutes. 
Enjoy!

#falldesserts #breadpudding #fallrecipes #desserts
When one kiddo wakes up not feeling well after onl When one kiddo wakes up not feeling well after only a week of school, you take the opportunity to make Saturday a truly restful day. Pancakes on the griddle, puttering around the yard admiring the way the limelights have begun their autumn journey from white to green to pink. Sprinkling touches of fall around the house a little bit at a time. Savoring the slowness of it all and taking care of my people in this place that provides us all with a respite from the world even if just for a day.

Hope you’re weekend is off to a great start and that you make it a priority to slow down for a bit and soak up the beauty around you. 🍂

#wearethehomemakers #homemaking #falldecorating
As summer slips into fall, I can’t help but thin As summer slips into fall, I can’t help but think about how grateful I am for the reminders all around me of God’s Sovereignty over everything including the seasons. It can be challenging in our world today to trust that there isn’t a single thing happening that surprises Him.

In a way, decorating my home to reflect the changing season serves as a tangible reminder of this trust. Even something as simple as seeing a pumpkin on my mantel or a basket of mums on the coffee table fill me with peace because they represent the things that remain constant and true.

“The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever.” Isaiah 40:8

#wearthehomemakers #homemaking #club31women
I’m never.going.back to stressful, time-consumin I’m never.going.back to stressful, time-consuming seasonal decorating. When I think back on the years where I would feel all of the pressure to come up with something fresh and creative I’m seriously embarrassed. Truly. Because it was such a waste. A waste of my time, my energy, my resources. Something clicked with me a few years ago. I was just done. I needed to simplify. I needed to not spend an obscene amount of time looking at fireplace mantels on Pinterest and trying to figure out how to make mine look amazing. I needed to put it all in the proper place in my heart and my mind. Which meant, it had to go waaaaayyyy down on the priority list. So far down it almost wasn’t on it. And I needed to confess to the Lord that I had allowed it to become an idol. 

Yes, I want to have a home that I enjoy. Yes, I love pretty things. But something really amazing happened when I finally released it all. When I decided to not give into the pressure and panic I would feel when I would scroll through my Instagram feed. When I just laid it all down and said…enough. There was this incredible irony in it. Because, the less time I took to decorate my home for each season, the more I found myself loving the results. I think that all along I had just been getting in my own way. It’s really taken a lot of time and prayer for me to finally be at a place where even though I still struggle with insecurities and I still have doubts from time to time, I’m becoming increasingly more confident in who God created me to be. And, just like my home, I’m finding that as I relax into myself, letting go of the comparisons and the pressure, the more I can actually lean into the calling He has placed on my life. 🍂

Leave a comment if you can relate! 

#wearethehomemakers #homemaking
“As the alluring song of September begins to whi “As the alluring song of September begins to whisper in my ear, my passionate spirit yearns for the splendor of its promise.” (Peggy Toney Horton)

Happy September dear friends! While I’m not quite ready to let go of summer and I plan to make the most out of the lingering, warm days, I’ll admit to starting to think about my fall decor this year. And one way to get inspired is to take a look back at previous years. Here’s just a glimpse at some of the ways I’ve welcomed Autumn to my home! 🍂

#september #falldecorating #falldecor #falldecoratingideas #wearethehomemakers
Labor Day weekend might mean that we’re turning Labor Day weekend might mean that we’re turning the corner and getting closer to fall but I’m not quite ready to let summer go. So I’ll just be over here continuing to whip up some super simple summer meals for my family that frankly can be enjoyed in any season. These shrimp rolls I made the other night were definitely a hit and would be great for any of your upcoming holiday weekend gatherings!

Shrimp Rolls 🍤

Ingredients
1-2 lbs of shrimp that is peeled, deveined and tail off (If using frozen make sure it’s thawed completely)
1/3 cup mayonnaise 
1/2 of a lemon
2 Tbsps chopped scallions
1 Tbsp chopped dill
1 Tbsp chopped Italian parsley
1 Tsp of Old Bay seasoning (more if you like!)
pinch of sea salt and pinch of black pepper
Hoagie Rolls
Softened butter

Directions: Gently pat the shrimp with a paper towel to remove any excess moisture. Roughly chop the shrimp and place in a bowl. Add mayonnaise, squeeze half of lemon and stir to combine before adding in the scallions, dill and parsley. Stir to combine and then add the additional seasonings. Spread butter on hoagie rolls and toast in the oven until lightly browned. Pile on the shrimp mixture and enjoy! 

#shrimproll #foodie #weeknightdinner #easydinner #seafoodlover
Today has been a very Monday-ish kind of Monday. W Today has been a very Monday-ish kind of Monday. We woke up to the sound of chainsaws and rushed downstairs to find that our backyard neighbors were having two of the huge trees that line our shared fence removed. These trees have been here longer than the neighborhood and no, they weren't dead or causing damage to roofs, foundations, etc. They were beautiful and gave us wonderful privacy. We had no notice of this happening so this came as quite a shock. Because we were given no notice, we didn't have the chance to cover our outdoor furniture or plants and everything is now coated in a thick layer of sawdust including the fresh bark we recently put in the garden beds. And now our lovely privacy is gone, replaced by a direct view of an above ground pool and RV. I know, I know, it's totally a first world, privileged kind of problem to have. But, now we have to spend thousands of dollars on plants to try and recapture some semblance of privacy. Now we have days worth of clean up to do after we had JUST done a massive freshening up of our backyard. My overarching feeling has just been weariness at the way our world is today.

I think about how often we try to do right by people, to be respectful and courteous. To be thoughtful and considerate. And it’s not reciprocated. How its starting to seem more and more like people have just given up on those seemingly small niceties. And my soul just feels heavy. Because I feel like so much of what used to be common courtesy is not so common anymore. Drivers on the roads are angrier and more reckless than ever before. Red lights being run are an everyday occurrence around town. On our recent family vacation, I heard more people using the F word out in public than ever before even while around children. Where are manners? Where is kindness? I'm finding myself being surprised when someone is thoughtful because it seems like a rarity. And that's just all on a micro, local level. Don't even get me started on the insanity in our world/culture. After I returned from grocery shopping (which can also be soul crushing), I found myself desperate for a reminder of the truth. 

*Part 2 continued in the comments.*
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