I have this friend. I’ll call her “Rulie”. If you are apart of our Sunday school class at church and you’ve had a baby (or 4), lost a loved one, been through surgery, moved into a new home, flushed a goldfish down the toilet or experienced any other assorted traumatic life experience and the “bring you a meal” sign-up sheet goes around, you want “Rulie’s” name to be at the top. When she comes to your door you will be handed a meal that has been prepared with all the love and care that could possibly fit inside a covered dish. It will be specific to your family’s eating habits and will most likely include some kind of baked goods. And it will probably be presented to you in a gift bag tied with ribbon. There may even be fresh flowers tucked inside. You will feel like you won the “bring you a meal” lottery. And, frankly, you have! I should know. I’ve been on the receiving end of “Rulie’s” glorious feasts several times.
If, however, my name is second on the “bring you a meal” list, you will be getting a pizza. It may be frozen. Or it may be handed to you by a stranger wearing a colorful delivery uniform. Instead of feeling like you won the “bring you a meal” lottery, you may be wondering why you ever bothered mentioning you had thrown out your back. But, hey, at least I will have taken care of the tip!
Those who know me well might find this confession surprising. You see, I’m a hospitality girl. I love to welcome people into our home, prepare them meals and get to know them better while relaxing around the dinner table. I enjoy cooking and baking and decorating and hostessing. But preparing a meal and driving it across town is a different story. I have wrestled with this for years. When that sign-up sheet is handed to me at church, I can feel the eyes of every woman in the room watching to see if I will scribble my name across the top. It winds it’s way from one table to the next and I can almost feel it taunting me.
“Sign me, Vanessa! You know you’re supposed to. It’s what all good Christian girls do.”
So, I sign it. And all because of one word.
Guilt.
Because, after all, it’s the hallmark of the Christian woman.
I’m supposed to want to take people meals, right? It should make me feel good to bless them in this way, shouldn’t it? But it doesn’t. Instead, as soon as I’ve scribbled my name on that sign-up sheet I begin to stress out about it. What should I bring? What if they have allergies or they are vegetarians and if they are vegetarians do I just bring them a big pot of beans? What if they don’t like what I would normally prepare for my own family so I’m going to have to make two different meals for the same night? What if it gets cold while I’m driving it across town? What if I don’t time it right and I end up sitting in traffic with my two hungry children who just watched me take a delicious meal to other people and now have to be grateful that I found some goldfish crackers at the bottom of my purse to tide them over until we get home.
This is usually the point at which the stress and guilt becomes almost unbearable. And this is why you will get a pizza (or maybe a frozen lasagna if I happened to have made it to WalMart that day) if I’m signed up to bring you a meal.
Recently, I was sitting in Sunday School and it was announced that the sign-up sheet would be coming around. As it began weaving it’s way around the room, taunting me, I could feel my heart racing and the anxiety begin to build. It got closer and closer until it came to the woman sitting right next to me. She scribbled her name across the top and handed it to me and I did something I’ve never done before.
I didn’t sign it.
I simply passed it onto the next person. Without making eye-contact, of course. It felt so naughty. And so liberating! I wanted to stand up and shout, “I’ve been set free!”
You see, I believe that we have all been uniquely equipped by God to love and serve one another.
1 Corinthians 12:4-6 says, “There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men.”
What if God doesn’t even want me to take people meals? What if, in fact, it displeased him that I was scribbling my name on that sign-up sheet while inside I was feeling guilty and resentful? I know what you are going to say. “We can’t only do the things that are fun for us and make us feel good, right?”. Well, yes and no. There are absolutely times when we must pitch in and help because there is a job to be done. Believe me, I’ve stacked chairs and set up tables and folded bulletins and rocked crying babies in the nursery and wiped runny noses with the best of them. There are things we do simply because we are part of a community. But God, in His infinite wisdom, also gave each of us ‘gifts’ which are so specific to our DNA that they not only allow us to bless others as we serve them, they also bless us in the process. Rather than making us feel depleted and resentful, they fill us up and spur us on to continue to extend ourselves to others.
“Rulie” loves bringing people meals! The fact that they are so artfully and beautifully prepared is really just a bonus. You see, Julie…I mean “Rulie”…is using her gift in all the right ways. As she is lovingly giving them their meal, she is also receiving the blessing that comes when we serve others in the way in which we were uniquely equipped by God.
There is no guilt. No resentment. No frustration and agonizing.
Just love.
But, what if she felt pressured to host the ‘Welcome Reception’ with me each month? What if there was a “Welcome Reception” sign-up sheet that went around and she felt everyone watching to see if she would scribble her name across it. What if my friend who so lovingly prepares meals for people was forced to stand in front of 20-30 people and tell them all about our church and help them connect to our community? Well, because I happen to know “Rulie” very well, I can safely say that she would not like this at all. Hosting a ‘Welcome Reception’ isn’t “Rulie’s” gift. But, it is mine. I love meeting these people each month. I love to welcome them to our church and help them to connect. I’m perfectly comfortable standing in front of a room of 20 or 30 (or more!) people and hopefully making each one feel special and valued.
I love to encourage, support and empathize.
It blesses me and it fills me up.
It’s taken years for me to realize that each time I scribble my name on the “bring you a meal” sign-up sheet, I might not actually be doing what God has called me to do. I might, in fact, be doing the opposite. There is no room for guilt in God’s kingdom.
Did you get that?
There is NO ROOM for guilt in God’s kingdom.
God is in the business of freedom! Freedom from being pressured by others to fit into a one-size-fits-all Christian woman’s mold. Freedom from feeling like bringing someone a casserole in a covered dish is about the closest thing to holiness this side of heaven.
I believe that the time I spend stressing and agonizing over bringing someone a meal could be better spent serving them in ways that are unique to my gifting. Now, this isn’t to say that I won’t ever bring you a meal. In fact, just recently one of my dearest friends had major surgery and I happily scribbled my name across that sign-up sheet.
But, well, she got a pizza.
*Be sure to stay tuned for the next installment of “Confessions of a Good Christian Girl” entitled “I Was a Bible Study Drop-out!”*
You are SO right about the “guilt!” Great post, Vanessa!!!
Hugs,
Angela
Thanks Angela!! No guilt my friend! And I can’t wait to hit the dance floor with you again at next year’s Haven. 😉
Oh my gosh, thank you for this! I’m right there with you! I really, really don’t like bringing people meals and I’m not good at it. Most of the time I don’t really know the people so, like you, I stress and agonize over it. But, like you, I finally decided it wasn’t my “thing.” Wooh! It was like a weight had been lifted! I’m SO glad I’m not alone and that you “came out” with your meal sign-up sheet fears too! Love you friend!
Vanessa – I love this! I have recently realized I just can’t do this right now. I’m also the hospitality girl and can whip up something in a heart beat when having people over. But, bringing a meal is becoming more and more difficult for me these days. So, I’ve said ” no” to this many times. I can’t do it all.
P.S. Tell your ladies at church to use this instead of a sign up sheet: http://www.takethemameal.com/ Best thing ever to get the word out without making everyone feel that guilt, too!
Becky B.
Alas, I thought I had done a great job instilling guilt in you, Vanessa! But, now I have second thoughts about that. You’ve freed yourself from that guilt! That’s very good! Love you, Mom
Amen and amen. Well said. I’m right there with you, Vanessa.
Thanks so much sweet friend!! 🙂
And all God’s people said? AMEN!!!
I’ve been thinking this in my head for years (and expressing it on my blog as well –> read: “Do You Hear What I Hear?”) I’ve watched as believers run around making themselves cuckoo because they want to be all things to all people. I don’t believe that’s what the Body of Christ is about. You be the encourager. I’ll be the baker. I’m just sayin’. If you need baked goods, I’m your girl. THANKS for this great post Vanessa!!! ;D
I think we’ve got ourselves a great plan here Sally! 🙂 Thanks so much for coming by!
Ooh, Vanessa…. Loved that post!! I couldn’t agree with you more! As the daughter of a retired Southern Baptist preacher, there was a lot of pressure to do certain things when I was growing up. I think because I had a more free-spirited personality, that was viewed as a rebellion. But I have learned over the years, I am exactly the personality God gave me on purpose- like you said, we all have our own spiritual gifts, and it’s up to us to use them, not yield to the guilt put on us by others. Thank you for that perspective. It’s so true!!
Thank you so much Melanie! I’m a pastor’s daughter too so I’m sure you and I could sit for hours swapping stories! 😉 Just say no to guilt, huh?
love this post! YES! Know your gifts and use them well. And, just so ya know, I’d never sign up for make a meal or Welcome Reception, yikes! But, I have definitely designed and printed A LOT of church bulletins and newsletters in my life. 🙂
And if I was asked to print church bulletins or newsletters I would be in full panic mode Vicki! 🙂 God has definitely gifted all of us in different ways and I’m so blessed by the talents He’s given you my friend!
I think a donation jar toward the meal would be more appropriate anyway. Once I took a family a full meal and when I went to the door the gal had on short shorts, full hair and makeup, and a hop, skip, jump in her step, I was like “and why did you need the meal, again?”. I was exhausted, not asked to come in, and she never returned my dishes to the church. that was a tough one. so like a said, I think you ought to bring up the idea of a money donation that way they could pick up what they like and everyone else isn’t made to feel guilty. just sayin’…
I LOVE that idea Debra! Genius!
Wild applause… thank-you!! In so many more ways than you’ll ever know!
Thank you so much Donna!! I could hear your wild applause coming through the screen. 😉
I love this… but I am going to admit freely here… Why didn’t I ever think to just call a pizza guy??? I too love bringing people in and I do love to help prepare meals, but I know my talents and gifts are better served in other areas as well!! And you are so right, God doesn’t want us doing anything with less than a grateful giving heart… not a guilty one!!
LOL Lori!! It took me a few years before the pizza thing dawned on me too!
This was written for me. I feel the same way about signing up for a meal for someone. In fact I look at the sheet for days as it hangs on the fridge at work until I chicken out. But I am in fact good at writing an encouraging letter or giving them a gift card to the grocery store. I can mail that and really, who doesn’t love some happy mail? So I am right there with you and I am sure that we are not the only ones who feel this way.
Everyone loves happy mail!! I know I do Trina. 🙂 I’m so glad that you related to this and thanks so much for coming by!
You literally spoke the words that have been on my heart for a while now that I just didn’t know how to say. We all have our own gifts. We can’t compare ourselves to others and feel guilty because we’re different. We’ve gotta let our own little light shine. Thanks for this! I’m looking forward to the series! Hope you (and Heather) are both doing well!! Thinking of you often! <3
Absolutely Hillary!! Now I’m going to have that song in my mind all night. 😉 Hope you are doing well too and would love to get to connect more!
I have agonized over the exact same thing and a few other things as well. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Isn’t it so nice to know we aren’t alone with these things Sindee! 🙂
Oh my gosh! This is so me!!! Thanks for your honesty and setting me free :)))
Love this post!!!!
I too use to stress, Now I drop off a case of water, juice boxes, gatorade etc. for the family
in need. I have three friends ( all of whom have husbands that are ill)that I text
whenever I am in SAM’s club, WalMart, produce store etc. to see if they need anything….
They typically respond that they want me to make a casserole…. It gives everyone a good laugh!!!!
Vanessa, I just love this post! It’s so true and it’s so liberating to realize and accept that we don’t have to do everything just because we are ‘good girls’! good for you for doing what you are gifted to go!
Love this!!!!!!!!!
Thanks sweet friend! Love seeing your beautiful face here! 🙂
I totally and completely agree 100%!!! And something I needed to be reminded of, so thank you.
Amen,sister!! I have always struggled with this type of thing and when I finally came to the realization that God knows my heart and knows the type of person I am…..it set me free! It’s difficult because we worry about what other people will think but if we keep our eye on the prize…..none of that matters!! God Bless You, dear!!!~~Angela
Well, that just needed to be said! I like Debra’s suggestion, too. Thanks for writing this 🙂
Jeanette
I completely agree! I used to get that guilty feeling when they would ask for volunteers for children’s ministries! But now I know everyone is better off if I DON’T volunteer 🙂
What a great post! I completely agree – we all have different gifts and that’s what makes this world an interesting place.
Amen, Vanessa!!! xo, Shannon
You are right, it is about gifts and talents and using them wisely. Using them wisely means where they will be of the most benefit. There is a reason I’m called to help in certain areas and not other ones. I’ve never been one bit surprised I’m not called to be a substitute math teacher.
Well said, Vanessa!! And it’s clear from the comments that you’ve spoken to many of us! The older I get the less I struggle with this, but it’s been a looooong journey. God has certainly helped me by steering me towards opportunities that line up with my gifts — lots of prayers and listening for HIM in this one!
xo Heidi
PS — loved seeing your smiling face at Haven, my dear — hope to see you again soon!
oh my! i wish every woman in every church could read and process this!! why do we compare ourselves, why do we judge and place guilt on other women? we DO NOT know what is going on in someone else’s life. i have a disabilty…one you can’t see. i used to have a very public ministry…now my ministries are all behind the scenes. i don’t want to tell everyone and their cousin what is wrong with me so i get looks…i get judged…and talked about….and it HURTS. and sometimes i do things i know i shouldn’t because i feel so guilty and then i pay a big price for it. what a wake up call. i don’t judge other women anymore 😉 i am a retired fellow believer judge! incidentally…i am on the meals ministry team because it is something i can do but more importantly it is something God has called me do and it blesses me. 🙂 but very few other women know, until they need a meal…until they retire from being a fellow believer judge 😉
Soooo true! I love that you hit on this today…it took me till well into my 40’s to come to a place I was content being me…a bit of an introvert…it’s okay not to do 3 ‘girl’s nights’ a month, it’s ok not to talk on the phone for hours at a time…it’s ok not to have forty-eleven best friends…
ahhhh, wonderful to hear your perspective and feel connected in being ok with who God called me to be.
Sending love and thanks again for sharing!
xo
Robin
All Things Heart and Home
I think this is so very true, Vanessa, especially if you’re in a small church where you feel needed to take a meal. It’s really about identifying your spiritual gifts and using them to encourage others. I’m a singer and musician and love using those gifts, but I’ve always sent homemade cards as encouragement as well (though that’s so hard to do with all this blogging!) I love to cook, but like you taking a meal makes me anxious. It just takes all the members together to complete the body of Christ.
I love that you share your faith amidst all the great projects. I just love you gals!
It’s taken a long time for me to learn to say no, but you’re right, it is so liberating! I am looking forward to more posts in your series and it was pure pleasure to see you at Haven!
Oh my goodness, Vanessa, you just spoke right to the heart of so many of us! This is such a struggle for me…the eternal battle between being a people pleaser and a God pleaser is not easily won. I am learning little by little what my gifts actually are and trying to let go of what I thought they were. We’ll see what happens when the sign up sheet crosses by me next time 🙂 Thanks for sharing your heart… it is a beautiful one!
Take care,
Trish
I love every single bit of this, Vanessa! How many times have we signed up or volunteered for something that just wasn’t remotely appealing to us because of guilt? Yikes. Especially when there are so many other thing we could do that would bless others and we wouldn’t spend every waking moment up until the time of the “guilty task” dreading it.
You are so right on with this.
I’ll bake. You do the welcome comittee. 🙂
xoxo
Ah, that guilty feeling! I am so glad to be reading your post because, well, I’m the worst at meal delivery too. You want someone who can organize and decorate an event, ask me. But I related to everything you said about preparing a meal for another family, right down to “what if they don’t like what I cook?”. Thanks for sharing this Vanessa!
I say two thumbs down on the guilt train and two thumbs up on the pizza plan! Seriously, when the pizza man pulls into the driveway (your driveway, not he neighbor’s)hubbies get happy. Teens get happy. Little kids get happy. Hey, even moms get happy!! There is simply no down side to this plan.
honey
if we tried
we could not be more alike than this
i loathe signing up to take a meal
agonize over what to take
him and haw
and eventually go buy a Subway gift card
yet i love love love
inviting folks to my home for meals
thanks for letting me off the hook!
{alison}
Ahh yes, religion and guilt do have a way of walking hand in hand at times. I applaud you Vanessa for being able to say ‘no’ to this one. Your gifts obviously lie in another area and your church is blessed to have you doing what you do best.
I love this! Every person has their own unique talents and their gift to others may be a complete opposite from what you have to offer. No guilt, for sure!!!
xo
Pat
Thank you Vanessa! You are SO RIGHT!
Oh guilt, Lord knows we all wrestle with that one. Loved this post and the thought that maybe, just maybe I could let some go? From one pizza girl to another. Hugs!!!!!
I soooo enjoyed this post! Frankly, I learned many years ago that it is better if I say ‘No’ than to sign up for something and dread doing it. Guilt can be a powerful motivator, unfortunately!! I, too, love to cook and entertain in our home, but get sweaty palms when they pass around the meal sign-up sheet! 😉 My gift is teaching, and I truly do LOVE to do THAT!
You are such a beautiful writer, Vanessa! Loved this post! (And, frankly, I’d love it if people brought me pizza. I think you’re on to something there.)
PLEASE KEEP THOSE “WONDERFUL CONFESSIONS” COMING.
I will do your laundry, mow your lawn, weed your garden, clean your bathrooms but PLEASE don’t ask me to cook. It is much too stressful for me…
so funny and so true! I used to volunteer for everything too. Then, I realized I should apply my best gifts to helping others, and encourage OTHERS to fill in w/ their gifts. There are MANY parts to the body of Christ, and if we do everything, others might not feel confident stepping up. We need to create some holes!
Great food for thought, Vanessa. I really enjoy your posts and your sister’s too.
An avid reader in CA.
Just beautiful! Have a lovely day.
I am new to your blog,but I love this. I can so relate! I haven’t been totally freed from this yet, but I am learning to contemplate…figure out if it is God leading me to do something or just guilt. Hard to tell sometimes, lol!
But thanks for posting this! I’ll be following~ 🙂
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