*This is a continuation of the Labor of the Heart Series. Less about infertility and adoption, this is my journey of Faith. The very happy ending is that we have 2 beautiful children whom we were blessed with through adoption. To read the rest of our story, click here.*
Adding Insult to Injury
When last we met, I shared with you that as I came out of my fog of grief over being unable to have biological children, I realized that I was about to get even more bad news.
MORE bad news, you ask?
Why yes, but it might not be what you are thinking.
Why yes, but it might not be what you are thinking.
It didn’t have anything to do with ovulation or doctors or adoption.
Frankly, it didn’t even have a lot to do with babies.
The Bad News came in the form of a Revelation.
It was this:
I wasn’t the person I thought I was.
I was slowly seeing sides of myself that I had never seen before.
The layers of my heart were being peeled back one by one and, to be honest, what was revealed to me wasn’t too pretty!
We have all heard it said that the reason we go through trials is to learn how to help others through their own. Perhaps we can offer comfort and words of wisdom or even just an understanding shoulder to cry on.
And this is absolutely true!
Romans says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
If you have ever experienced any level of loss, grief, pain or trauma, you fully appreciate the fact that this allows you to empathize with others in an entirely new way.
But, no one tells you the other piece of this puzzle of pain.
Maybe it is because it is an easy piece to lose.
Or maybe it is just an easy piece to dismiss as unnecessary to the completion of the puzzle.
Nonetheless, it is still missing.
Or maybe it is just an easy piece to dismiss as unnecessary to the completion of the puzzle.
Nonetheless, it is still missing.
You may have the satisfaction of the puzzle coming together and revealing the image you first saw on the outside of the box.
But that one missing piece will always be there, reminding you that you never quite finished it.
Perhaps our first “job” in these times of trouble isn’t just to get through it so that we may or may not have the opportunity to help someone else someday.
It might sound counter-intuitive, but maybe we need to be a little more selfish than that.
You see, helping someone through their own painful journey is so nice and selfless.
But, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have really dealt with your own heart issues.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers (and sisters), whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4
As the numbness wore off and the pain moved in and set up camp in my heart, I began to realize that God was offering me an opportunity for something which had less to do with babies, and more to do with my relationship with Him.
But this opportunity was going to require more from me than I was really prepared to give.
I wanted to wallow in my hurt.
I wanted to indulge in a never-ending pity party!
Didn’t I have that right?
In those dark moments I had felt God’s presence like never before in my life.
In those dark moments I had felt God’s presence like never before in my life.
He was REAL.
He offered COMFORT.
I felt His LOVE in a whole new way.
But then that love took me down a different road.
One that wasn’t quite as comforting. And it definitely wasn’t comfortable!
This is where I felt like He was really adding insult to injury.
Couldn’t I just continue to feel His love in the warm and fuzzy,
“grandpa in the sky handing out candy and quarters” kind of way?
“grandpa in the sky handing out candy and quarters” kind of way?
That’s not REAL love though, now is it?
Because any parent will tell you that REAL love requires so much more than
putting a band-aid on a scraped knee.
That scrape may need a little bit of stinging antibiotic ointment put on before the band-aid can go over it. Ouch! It hurts so much and yet it is the only way real healing can begin.
My “stinging ointment” took the form of a new awareness of those areas that were keeping me from seeing His plan for our family. If adoption was the only way we were going to be able to have children, it meant I would be different from everyone else around me.
While my friends experienced the joy of new life growing inside of them, all I felt growing inside of me was an awareness of my need for God to reveal the truth to me about my heart.
And, the first place we stopped along this awareness journey was in a place called
PRIDE.
To be continued…
Thoughts to Ponder:
1. Have you experienced a trial in your life in which you felt
God’s presence and comfort like never before?
Thoughts to Ponder:
1. Have you experienced a trial in your life in which you felt
God’s presence and comfort like never before?
2. During that time, did you ever feel that God was nudging you to learn more about yourself?
3. If so, what did He reveal?
4. If not, what kept you from allowing Him to reach those places of your heart
that you kept hidden away?
Thank you for joining me for this installment of A Labor of the Heart on this Simply Sunday at the Fence,
Vanessa~
This is a beautifully written and thought provoking post.
I love the puzzle analogy.
What a huge life lesson you have been given and I think we all need to be reminded about the reasons for our hardships.
Love, Kristin
Beautifully written, Vanessa, and thank you for sharing so much of yourself. Happy Sunday! XO ~Liz
This is the first time I have read one of your posts on this topic. I usually stop by for the crafts! But this was an unexpected and wonderful surprise.
BTW, I too have combined my journey with my crafting on my blog and I think, why limit ourselves?!
I love what you have written here. It is true that in such times, we learn so very much about ourselves, if we are open to it.
I so appreciate your honesty- ” I was slowly seeing sides of myself that I had never seen before.
The layers of my heart were being peeled back one by one and, to be honest, what was revealed to me wasn’t too pretty!” Too often we hear about the difficult times, with some tenacity and thought, turning into revelations and happier thoughts and moments- a happier future. But it is indeed a process and you capture that so beautifully. And along the way, it’s not always pretty! Too few people talk about that part!
Thank you for sharing!
~ Meredith From A Mother Seeking Come find me on my blog, A Mother Seeking…
I believe God can turn pain into something beautiful.
Being away from home, leaving everything and starting a life all over again is a trial. Sometimes I felt worthless and can’t do what I am I supposed to do. I am still struggling to discover my worth and my discovering my capabilities are.
Reading the Word of God is very comforting in ways I cannot explain.
Wow, very well written Vanessa. This is the first post in this series that I’ve read. I had no idea your children were adopted. That definitely would have been the road I would have taken, had things been different for me. And even to this day I think if we actually won the lottery, like my hubby is always hoping for, I would adopt. Your kids are your kids, are your kids! It doesn’t matter how they ended up being a part of your life, they just are.
I love my 13 year old stepdaughter every bit as much as my 5 year old biological daughter. I came into her life when she was only 20 months old and easily took on a mother role with her. She has her mom, but she knows I’m always here for her if she needs me, which has already happened a time or two. I cry at all her big milestones; school performances, 6th grade grad, etc. Her bio-mm doesn’t even do that. Although I should admit I cry at commercials and while reading cards in Hallmark. lol
Anyway, children need all the love and support they can get and it doesn’t matter if we gave birth to them or not. Love is love!
Great post!! I almost wrote sweetie! Guess after the last few months of chatting back and forth I feel like I know you. : )
~ Catie
Beautifully written, really makes me think…
Lorrie
Very well written. You have a way of writing that I find myself hanging on your every word. Your posts have me really think and feel. I always look forward to being moved emotionally and spiritually by you and your sister on Sundays.
Beautiful post Vanessa. Adoption vs live birth, divorce vs the family staying in tact, teenager giving life rather than abortion…each family is different from the other. Each has hurt, disappointment and blessing. It is through the “valley” that God reveals the good, bad and ugly we hold within ourselves. During trials we have the choice to turn away from God or let God grow us into who he desires us to be. When we choose Him, we are grown into better people who have so much to offer others. During this time we also grow closer to Him and realize even more just how amazing God is and how much he loves us. The Bible says as His children we are adopted into God’s family…I am so happy to be adopted, aren’t you! WHAT A BLESSING!!!
You are such an inspiration. Thanks for sharing your heart and letting us share ours!
Blessings,
Cindy
Wow Vanessa,
Isn’t it amazing when God chooses you to share His message with others? You were so brave and blessed at the same time to show how human you are. Peeling back the layers is all apart of growing up physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Time to celebrate His grace. Go dance girl…you deserve it.
Paula
Vanessa…every time I stop by your blog…I am amazed! I usually visit you via my newest blog…Grapevine Wreath, but my first blog which I have been writing on for five years is…He Won My heart. Anyways, I too love the Lord with all my heart and currently I am doing a Bible study on James. And yes we all want the hugs and cracker jacks, but God…he is so much deeper…the depth of which we will never understand this side of heaven. But pride…hard thing to break when most of us don’t see it in ourselves (including myself). But God loves us anyways because of the blood of Jesus Christ shed for you…shed for me! He is our amazing Jesus…the Prince of Peace! I am so gald you shared this with all of your audience! Please visit my other blog…my latest post is also about James and how God is working some pride out of me as well!
I think I’ve said this before but Vanessa, you have a gift for writing. I’ve enjoyed each one of the Labor of the Heart series. Thank you for sharing this journey with us.
Just beautiful Vanessa. I just wish I could put into words what I went through with infertility and adoption. You have such a gift and we are grateful that you’re willing to share it. I too didn’t like what I was seeing of myself when all of the layers of my heart were being peeled away. I never thought I could have such pain and anger in me. God knew what he wanted for us and I guess we just had to work a bit harder for it. I can say that it has made me a much stronger and accepting person. Not much in life phases me anymore, I try not to sweat the small stuff.
Nicholas is a clone of my husband and Matthew looks just like his birthmom. I some days wonder what it would be like to have a mini me but can’t imagine not having these two wonderful and loving boys in my life and can say with all of my heart that I love both of them the same. It doesn’t matter who gives birth to your children, once you hold them in your arms, you fall in love and they are yours.
Marianne 🙂
“I felt God’s presence like never before … but then that love took me down a different road.” Oh, yes, Vanessa. I know exactly what you mean. I know how it feels for God to cry with me when I hurt, doctor my skinned knees — then require me to look at the rest of my ailments …. the ones inside that no one else can see … the ones that need to be healed so He can nudge me to walk down yet another road. A road of deeper trust and quicker obedience. Thank goodness our Creator loves us enough to let us to walk with us through those difficult times so we can (first) become more like Him and (second) be more compassionate towards a hurting world around us. Bless you for sharing this. I look forward to the continuation.
Just beautiful, Vanessa. This is one of those pieces that I feel with great certainty was inspired by and written by the hand of God. You might have tapped it out on the keyboard, but He was the author.
Well done, good and faithful servant…
The answer to your question is YES, I have. I have had it happen to me several noteworthy times, but the main one is in dealing with my fibro. The pathetic part of it is that since fibro is a chronic thing, I guess that particular issue is spiritually chronic. He’s still working on me. My puzzle is a hot mess.
Hi Vanessa. This is so beautiful and you have really written your feelings down to draw us into your heart! I know this probably isn’t easy but I appreciate you sharing your journey. Praise God for you.
Blessings,
Shelia 😉
Vanessa, I so appreciate your sharing your heart in this way. I like your puzzle analogy. When you stop to think about it, one piece of a puzzle is not necessarily very attractive–and it certainly doesn’t provide a whole picture. But every piece is necessary to complete the picture. I am grateful that you are able to see your times of trial as essential parts of the puzzle. Thank you for courageously sharing all parts of your story–not just the “warm fuzzy” parts, but all of it.
And oh! Pride?! That’s where we go next, is it? Are we not so grateful that God’s grace can conquer all? And He lavishes it on us!!
I have always believed that one of the most painful things a woman can go through in this life is to not be able to have a baby of her own when everything else is right, marriage, family, Godly desire to start a family. I am so impressed at how you took such a horribly painful part of your life and truly looked at what the Lord was trying to teach you, how HE could use you as a tool for good in this world, and how you could be changed into an even better version of Vanessa for following this path.
In answer to your question, I did have a period of time where I felt God’s love as I had never felt before. I learned during this time in my life as awful as it was, that it is possible for a human heart to feel so much pain and grief that as I was going through (I would pause and just be astonished that I could feel so much pain and still be alive to cry about it). My brother had taken his life, and my baby had died, all within 5 months of each other, one week after I had had to deliver “still born”, I had a pulmonary embolism, before I got to the hospital, and they discovered what had happened to me, I felt like I was standing half in heaven, and half on earth. I was given a chance to leave, or to stay. I knew something was wrong with me, but I waited and waited to call, I couldn’t stand the thought of dealing with a doctor again, but I knew somewhere in my heart, this was a matter of life and death and my family had experienced enough pain. After I returned from the hospital and was being treated, it was during these moments, that I prayed harder than I have ever prayed in my life. Pleadin with the Lord to take even a piece of my grief away. During these moments, I experienced the most astonishing and beautiful thing. Here I was in the depths of despair with a heart so broken into a million pieces that I thought it could never be healed. I felt, to use an overused word, “traumatized”. When I thought I couldn’t take it for a moment longer, I was suddenly overcome with the most powerful force of love I have ever felt. I felt the same amount of love from My Father in Heaven as I was feeling my grief and sorrow. It was in these moments that I truly learned, I am NEVER truly alone here, and no matter how horrible and hard this life can be, it can be even more beautiful and filled with love than we could ever comprehend. I look at these moments as one of my greatest gifts. Not everyone will have the opportunity to be broken open like this and be filled with God’s love in return. Not everyone will need to be. I knew this experience had strengthened me to be better able to love all whom I came in contact with. This experience made me stronger than I ever imagined I could be. It eradicated all fear within me because I knew the Lord would always be with me.
Pain, and sorrow are gifts from a Loving God. They refine us, they strip away parts of that are not needed. I don’t live up to this gift every day as I should, but I try. I have so much life left to live and so much love left to share. Hopefully I am serving the Lord as He has asked me to do. I certainly do not take joy or my family for granted. I do know, more than my mind comprehend what a gift a good husband is, what a gift my children are, and what a gift it is to be here on this earth, for the time I am here. Thank you again for sharing your gifts. Much love to you. -K