In the car on our way to church a couple of weeks ago, we were all marveling at the incredible display of colors we were seeing around us. Shades of orange and brown and yellow and red. Some of the trees were so bright they almost looked as though they were on fire.
I turned to my husband and said, “Doesn’t the beauty of it all almost make you ache inside?”
He smiled and said, “No. I love it but not the point of aching. I’m not surprised it does that to you though.”
He knows me very well.
Fall is my favorite season. I love the crisp air, the incredible colors, wearing my favorite boots and sweaters, visiting the pumpkin patch and knowing that Christmas is right around the corner.
But, every year around this time another feeling settles over me. It’s tinged with sadness.
It makes me feel…melan-fall-y.
All around me I see this dramatic and colorful evidence of change.
Of time moving forward…and moving quickly!
The leaves reach this climactic moment in their “lives” and then fall to the ground in a pile while what remains above are bare branches.
And then it’s done. Over.
There will never be another Fall quite like this one, or the one last year, or the year before that. I can’t stop it all from happening, just like I can’t come due on my promise to put a book on my children’s heads to keep them from growing.
With each leaf that falls I think “slow down, slow down.”
Every year, the experience of going to the pumpkin patch as a family changes a little bit. This event, a favorite for us, also becomes a bittersweet reminder of how quickly things are changing and how fast my kids are growing.
It’s like a mile marker, showing me just how far we’ve come in what feels like the blink of an eye.
There will be a year when we say, “hey kids, let’s go to the pumpkin patch!” and it won’t be met with quite the same amount of enthusiasm.
In the past, I used to feel so conflicted about this melan-fall-y feeling that arose in me every year. How could I love this season so intensely and yet feel such a sense of sadness inside at the same time?
And then I began to look at it in a different way.
Perhaps this feeling wasn’t something to be pushed down. Maybe I was just supposed to sit in it…let it come up all around me like when my sister and I would bury ourselves in the big pile of leaves our dad had just raked until only our eyes were visible.
Maybe this season isn’t just about sweaters and boots and mulled cider candles and pumpkin spice lattes.
Maybe feeling melan-fall-y is actually a gift.
A chance to pause and revel in this season before moving quickly onto the next one.
Maybe walking through the woods, leaves crunching underneath, feeling that ache inside is supposed to remind me of how finite I am so that I can remember just how infinite my creator is.
Maybe He even built that ache right into me so that I would seek Him out.
The truth is that while the leaves may fall off of them, the branches that seem so stark and bare hold new growth inside.
New life. Fresh starts.
And, like the time passing so quickly and my children getting older and my hair getting grayer there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. I can’t control it.
Frankly, I don’t want to.
I want to celebrate each passing season…
…revel in my children’s growth…
…rejoice that there is such a thing as hair color kits.
So, I choose to embrace my melan-fall-y feelings. I allow room for them in my heart.
Not too much room.
But just enough to keep me keenly aware of just how fleeting this world is…and just how truly grateful I am for every moment I have in it.
“Is not this a true autumn day? Just the still melancholy that I love — that makes life and nature harmonize. The birds are consulting about their migrations, the trees are putting on the hectic or the pallid hues of decay, and begin to strew the ground, that one’s very footsteps may not disturb the repose of earth and air, while they give us a scent that is a perfect anodyne to the restless spirit. Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.” ~ George Eliot
I simply love autumn and if I begin to feel melancholy it’s because I simply HATE winter. Oh I know that winter has its own beauty but I don’t want to be in it. I can appreciate winter in photographs or movies.The family holidays are wonderful during winter and I think those particular holidays were put at the time to compensate for the horrible weather. But that’s just me. I do love having time to cook and bake 🙂
I’m totally with you Marisa! Once January hits I’m totally ‘over’ winter. LOL!
This lovely post brought tears it touched me so deeply. Having lived through more falls than you have, my melan-fall-y feelings are even stronger. Kids grown and married and gone, grandkids living hundreds of miles away, not even allowing myself to see the grays as my stylist covers just before they emerge. Yet as scary as the fleetingness of this life is, I too am called to appreciate every hour on earth even more. I’ve learned to feel the gratitude the older I get. There is still excitement in my heart for the season outside and the season of my life—of what both will bring. Thank you for a lovely, thought-provoking post.
It’s so true that the older we get the more we appreciate the fleetingness of this life! It truly is a reminder to appreciate each moment…and hair stylists who catch the grays before they make an appearance! 😉
beautiful post and photos. before my kids were born I use to rush everything not really enjoying what I was doing but rather the satisfaction of getting it done. Boy, has that mantra completely changed.
Thanks girl!
What a beautiful way to talk about change. I was reminded this weekend how fast my grandchildren are becoming adults. My #2 grandson turned 19. His last year to be a teenager! His older brother will soon be 23 and their cousins 16 and 13 are close behind. Many days I look at their baby pictures and wish I could still hold and snuggle them. But I settle for the hugs I still get from those big 6ft.4in. Sweethearts.
Thank you Nancy! 🙂
Vanessa, I loved this post. It really resonated with me, because I feel much the same way about fall. I can tell you to take heart, though. I am a grandmother now and my son, age 32, still looks forward to the annual pumpkin patch trip. Now we all go together with his son. Everyone still enjoys it and we have added little traditions along the way, like a special place for breakfast that day. The traditions you are making with your family will carry on. I promise!!
Beautifully said, Vanessa! God has purpose for each season of our lives if we just let him in!
THANK YOU for sharing your heartfelt thoughts!
Joyfully….~Sandie
I know that felling of melan-fall-y and sometimes I want to freeze frame these moments, but like you I know that God has placed seasons in our lives to enjoy, go through and move forward. Enjoy these days with your children, mine are no longer children and I miss that season of my life.
In my “old age” I am learning to embrace every season; however, the beauty and magic of the Fall seems to make us all stop and embrace of the magic that is around us…to slow down and hear the crunch of the leaves beneath our feet…the leaves falling so that the trees can sleep…to recharge only to start over again and embracing each day when we wake up and see the sun….gorgeous photos!
Wow – you just gave words to how I feel about fall … even better words than I could have given myself! Your gift of the written word is an amazing gift from God not only to you but to all of us that love to read your posts. Happy Fall!
Rebecca thank you so much! YOUR words encouraged my heart today and blessed me more than I can express. 🙂
I feel that angst too Vanessa, but it’s more because things are dying and summer’s over (MY favorite season) and I hate being cold.
~I desperately miss hearing the birds chirping through open windows in the really early morning, the scent of flowers in the air, my flip-flops and sun dresses and sun hats, summer nights with a glass of wine by the fire, swimming in the lake…. :’ (
Catherine
One of my best friends did an informal little Q&A in her Instastories asking about our Enneagram numbers and our responses to fall. It was hilarious and enlightening. The season really does stir up so much in our hearts… I love the thought that it’s an intentional reminder to us every passing year, a gift of perspective from the Creator.
Oh that sounds so interesting!! I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who has mixed feelings about it. 😉 Thank you so much for stopping by Bethany! I hope we can all get together again soon!