In the car on our way to church a couple of weeks ago, we were all marveling at the incredible display of colors we were seeing around us. Shades of orange and brown and yellow and red. Some of the trees were so bright they almost looked as though they were on fire.
I turned to my husband and said, “Doesn’t the beauty of it all almost make you ache inside?”
He smiled and said, “No. I love it but not the point of aching. I’m not surprised it does that to you though.”
He knows me very well.
Fall is my favorite season. I love the crisp air, the incredible colors, wearing my favorite boots and sweaters, visiting the pumpkin patch and knowing that Christmas is right around the corner.
But, every year around this time another feeling settles over me. It’s tinged with sadness.
It makes me feel…melan-fall-y.
All around me I see this dramatic and colorful evidence of change.
Of time moving forward…and moving quickly!
The leaves reach this climactic moment in their “lives” and then fall to the ground in a pile while what remains above are bare branches.
And then it’s done. Over.
There will never be another Fall quite like this one, or the one last year, or the year before that. I can’t stop it all from happening, just like I can’t come due on my promise to put a book on my children’s heads to keep them from growing.
With each leaf that falls I think “slow down, slow down.”
Every year, the experience of going to the pumpkin patch as a family changes a little bit. This event, a favorite for us, also becomes a bittersweet reminder of how quickly things are changing and how fast my kids are growing.
It’s like a mile marker, showing me just how far we’ve come in what feels like the blink of an eye.
There will be a year when we say, “hey kids, let’s go to the pumpkin patch!” and it won’t be met with quite the same amount of enthusiasm.
Although, they both still wanted to ride the little train this year which warmed this mama’s heart immensely.
In the past, I used to feel so conflicted about this melan-fall-y feeling that arose in me every year. How could I love this season so intensely and yet feel such a sense of sadness inside at the same time?
And then I began to look at it in a different way.
Perhaps this feeling wasn’t something to be pushed down. Maybe I was just supposed to sit in it…let it come up all around me like when my sister and I would bury ourselves in the big pile of leaves our dad had just raked until only our eyes were visible.
Maybe this season isn’t just about sweaters and boots and mulled cider candles and pumpkin spice lattes.
Maybe feeling melan-fall-y is actually a gift.
A chance to pause and revel in this season before moving quickly onto the next one.
Maybe walking through the woods, leaves crunching underneath, feeling that ache inside is supposed to remind me of how finite I am so that I can remember just how infinite my creator is.
Maybe He even built that ache right into me so that I would seek Him out.
The truth is that while the leaves may fall off of them, the branches that seem so stark and bare hold new growth inside.
New life. Fresh starts.
And, like the time passing so quickly and my children getting older and my hair getting grayer there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. I can’t control it.
Frankly, I don’t want to.
I want to celebrate each passing season…
…revel in my children’s growth…
…rejoice that there is such a thing as hair color kits.
So, I choose to embrace my melan-fall-y feelings. I allow room for them in my heart.
Not too much room.
But just enough to keep me keenly aware of just how fleeting this world is…and just how truly grateful I am for every moment I have in it.
“Is not this a true autumn day? Just the still melancholy that I love — that makes life and nature harmonize. The birds are consulting about their migrations, the trees are putting on the hectic or the pallid hues of decay, and begin to strew the ground, that one’s very footsteps may not disturb the repose of earth and air, while they give us a scent that is a pefect anodyne to the restless spirit. Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.” ~ George Eliot
I know what you mean…. I feel that way about Fall, too. I love it’s beauty (although not nearly as beautiful here as it is for you) but saddened about the passing of time. The mere idea of Fall makes me panic a little.
But, I’ll take your advice and linger on it and remember to be grateful…God seems to be telling me that a lot this week….
Beautiful pictures!!!!! Thank you for sharing your feelings about fall:) I love fall too. I think fall is God’s way of letting the earth sleep so it will be ready for spring and Easter Sunday. Also, fall and winter remind me that like the leaves on the trees we too will fall and rise again and be with him in heaven.
Thank you for that beautiful perspective on Fall. I too had those same feelings about fall when I lived on the east coast. Now, living in the south, the dramatic fall changes do not happen so quickly, but more of a slower pace to the beginning of the winter season. It will always be the biggest season of change for me, the most dramatic..a path to a new season… And it always reminds me of how fleeting moments are and that we are here to enjoy all the changes that will take place in all the seasons of our lifetime.
Thank you for such a beautiful post which really spoke to me this fall morning as I have been feeling very melan-fall-y, especially this weekend. A great reminder to breathe, embrace the feelings but not give them too much room in my heart 🙂
I always feel the same way come Fall, Vanessa. I used to think it was because another school year was starting for my kids and that was more of a milestone of the years/time passing more than their birthdays. I still get that feeling now, but not as strongly, even though my kids are now adults. I’m not sure why either, because I really love this time of year.
I totally understand that feeling! I look around with one daughter married, one son engaged and two four years shy of graduating from high school. When we were in the midst of the intense parenting my prayer was just to survive each day. And it was a good prayer! Those were hard belabored years, but now as we reap the blessings it’s as if we want to capture each moment when our family is all together and freeze it. Those moments with all of us are are and even the kids sense it is a gift. When my sister died on Oct. 2, 2000, it was also a moment frozen in time. My niece and I experience a sadness every fall that is written into our DNA. Thank you for sharing so eloquently, Vanessa, as always.
Me too! And yes, hold on to those sweet babies (always babies) while you have them for they grow and “fall” into their own lives way too fast! Being purposeful to slow down and enjoy each day, our children, for they are amazing gifts and each moment we have is such a blessing!
Hope your week is wonderful…
Blessings,
Cindy
What a beautiful blog, Vanessa! And the pictures are wonderful. I need to go find a path in the woods to savor this beauty. Autumn is my favorite season and I understand the “ache” so well. Thank you for starting my day off just right! I love and look forward to you girls each day. God bless ya’ll and your families…
Oh thank you so much Martha!! Your words are so encouraging and we really appreciate you coming by! 🙂
I love this Vanessa! Fall is my absolute favorite season, the weather changing, although not much in SD 🙂 The leaves falling, the crisp air, the pumpkins and seeing it in my children’s eyes, they love it just the same. Riding the train yesterday and seeing how happy the boys were made me appreciate life just a little more. Thank you for this reminder and thank you for your friendship.XO
Those moments are so precious aren’t they? I loved seeing that pic you shared of the train ride and the absolute joy on his face! Thanks so much for coming by today sweet friend! 🙂
So beautiful…xo
Thanks sweet friend! 🙂
I love the fall too! I just wish it would last longer.
Me too Mimi! It all goes too, too fast. Thanks for coming by today! 🙂
Vanessa
Vanessa, I have had very similar feelings. We have so many family traditions that center around this time all through the holiday season. As my children get older, twins 12 and oldest 16, it is making me long for simple days when they were so excited to pick out a pumpkin, a Halloween costume parade, a Christmas tree, etc. Luckily, they still love so many of these traditions. You are so wise to take the time to mark your children’s milestones at these memorable events. They will serve as rich and beautiful memories in the years to come…especially when they think they are too old to go to the Pumpkin Patch 🙁
You must be in my head! I’m struggling this fall also. They are growing up so fast and life is blowing past in a blur like the leaves fluttering by in the wind, impossible to catch mid-air. I so, so understand. Beautiful post Vanessa and gorgeous photos!
What is the deal with these kids getting older, huh?? 😉 Thank you so much for your sweet words friend!
I often have a day or two each fall that I feel that way, but for the most part I love the season. Beautiful post, Vanessa — find a day or two of joy during these months, too. 🙂
xo Heidi
Thanks Heidi! I’ve definitely had lots of days of joy so far this season including tonight when we carved pumpkins as a family. So thankful for those moments!
Beautiful post Vanessa! Fall is my favorite season also!
Thanks Martina! 🙂
You could not have spoken my thoughts and feelings any better than this! I have always wondered why I look forward so much to autumn and everything it holds , and yet have a feeling of melan (Fally). Everything you said is exactly how I feel. And it goes by way way too quickly for me, the weather, the colors, the “feeling” of fall. Thanks for the great post!
I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one Joyce! Thank you so much for coming by today! 🙂
Beautifully expressed, Vanessa!
Beautiful images and sentiments! XO
Thank you so much for writing your feelings down. I have felt this way many times. Just have never put it to words as you have. You have a gift for expressing your words. I hope you don’t mind, that I copied this to put into my journal. Thank you again.<3 Angie
Thank you so much Angie! Your sweet words were just the encouragement I needed this morning and it is an absolute honor to know that you copied it into your journal. 🙂
Vanessa
I lived in Southern California for nearly 40 years so we never had Fall. Fall here in North Carolina taught me a very important lesson a couple of years ago. One afternoon, I drove down a picturesque road on the way home at about 4 o’clock. The light and the leaves were so amazing. I thought “I should take a picture of this” and then “oh, I need to get home to make dinner, it can wait until tomorrow”. The next day, I drove down that same road to take a picture, but you know what? The light wasn’t the same, the leaves were not as bright and the trees had dropped more of their leaves. The next year, I remembered how beautiful the leaves had been on that road in the afternoon when Fall was at peak, so I looked every day as I drove down that road for that perfect moment when the landscape would reveal the beauty I saw on that day. That road has never looked the same as on that day many years ago. Every season is different. Every Fall is different. Every day is different. Every hour is different. I should have taken the photo on THAT day at THAT moment.I missed a great opportunity. So, the lesson Fall in the Carolinas taught me is to take that moment, the moment right now. Take time with your kids or your husband or your friend, to do something right now. Dinner can wait a few more minutes. Seize the opportunity right now before you.
PAM! That was truly one of the most beautiful comments on a post I’ve ever gotten! In fact, I think you need to write a post using what you said about mine. I felt like I was right there with you and completely understand the lesson about THAT moment!! Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your thoughts with me friend! 🙂
Vanessa