I had been feeling it for months.
It was nagging at me, coming up in my mind over and over again. And yet, I couldn’t actually put my finger on just what IT was.
All I knew is that I was supposed to do something.
But, frankly, I was so busy doing so many other ‘somethings’ that I didn’t have time to really figure out what this ‘something’ could be.
One night in early December found me indulging in a nice, long, hot bubble bath. The kids were in bed, I had finished a huge project for the blog and had the post all scheduled for the next day. Hubby was happily watching SportsCenter and I was so ready for some ‘me’ time.
I could feel my muscles beginning to relax as soon as they hit the water and with my glass of wine and my book at my fingertips, I knew that THIS must be the the ‘something’ I was supposed to do.
And yet, as I sat there soaking, I found myself feeling almost…restless. How could that be, though?
Kids in bed? Check!
Work done? Check!
Hot bubble bath? Check!
Good book? Check!
Glass of wine? Check!
Everything was in place for this to be the perfect moment of relaxation. So, why didn’t I feel relaxed?
I put the book down, leaned my head back and closed my eyes.
And that’s when I knew. That feeling, that nagging, that ‘something’ I knew I needed wasn’t a bath.
It was stillness.
I could feel it welling up in me. This longing to be still.
When was the last you were really, truly quiet and still?
I’m not talking about vegging out on the couch watching your favorite show. And sleeping doesn’t count. 😉
No, I’m talking about experiencing a true quieting of your mind.
As I sat there getting pruny in the bath water, I tried to remember the last time I had experienced that. And I couldn’t.
But, if I was being honest with myself, I was actually kind of scared to experience it. Which, for the sake of full transparency here, must have meant that in my heart of hearts I’d known all along that I needed to be still but had been intentionally avoiding it.
Why would I avoid being still? That just sounds like all sorts of craziness, right?
Well, frankly, I think I was afraid.
You see, I’ve recently realized that somewhere along the way in my faith journey, my perception of God has been greatly impacted by my perception of…well…myself.
I put a lot of pressure on myself. I have high expectations for myself. And I struggle with feeling that others have high expectations of me.
Sometimes it’s hard for me to imagine anyone wanting to spend time with me just because I’m me and not because they need something from me or want me to fulfill a certain role.
So when it comes to approaching the throne of my Savior, I’ve honestly been filled with almost a sense of dread.
Friends, you have no idea how much I hesitated before typing those words. Because, rationally, I know that isn’t how I’m supposed to feel.
But, for months now (maybe even years!) I’ve had this underlying feeling that if I allow myself to be still in His presence, I mean really, truly still, that He’s going to require something of me. Ask me to do something outrageous. Like go live in a hut somewhere with no electricity or running water. 😉
And this underlying fear has kept me from being able to just ‘be’ in His presence. It’s kept me from being still.
As I sat there in the bathtub, I could feel God asking me to just trust Him in that moment.
“Try Me”, He said.
And suddenly the craving for absolute quiet, absolute stillness, was too overwhelming and I couldn’t resist it any longer.
I put down my book, closed my eyes and lowered myself in the water until it covered the tops of my ears.
All I could hear was the sound of my own breathing.
And quiet. Complete and utter quiet.
The stillness enveloped me, wrapped itself around me like a blanket and I waited. Waited for God to tell me that that I needed to be volunteering more at church. Waited for Him to tell me that I was falling short of expectations. Waited for Him to tell me that He wanted us to sell all of our belongings and start looking for a hut to live in.
But, that’s not what I heard.
What I heard Him saying to me instead was,
“I’ve missed you.”
“I’m FOR you.”
“I want you to just BE with me.”
and
“I want to be with you.”
Suddenly, the nagging feeling, that sense that I was supposed to be doing something, was gone.
In it’s place was a calming of my soul and an overwhelming sense of peace. Of truth.
Hebrews 4:16 says, “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
It doesn’t say “Let us approach God’s throne with dread because He’s going to tell you how horrible you are.”
It doesn’t say, “Let us approach God’s throne and be prepared to be told how you aren’t living up to expectations and how you really need to be doing a lot more.”
It doesn’t say, “Let us approach God’s throne and come away feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by all that you need to change.”
No. It says to approach His throne so that you will be given MERCY and GRACE and HELP.
Those were all of the things my soul had been longing for. They had been there all along, just ready for the taking.
But my own expectations of myself, along with the expectations I felt others had for me (real or perceived) had kept me from being able to receive those precious gifts there at His throne.
There, in that moment, the water gently lapping up over my ears, my hair floating all around me, I felt such a deep sense of relief. Of renewal.
Of letting everything go.
I felt His mercy washing away my doubts. His grace cleansing me of my sin. His help in accepting that He loves me without condition.
And I was just still.
Well said – “It is well with my soul.” Thank you for sharing. May God continue to bless you.
Thank you and very well said.
I never comment on blogs but want you to know that your post spoke to my soul this morning. Thank you so much for your honesty and transparency. I, too, struggle with these same feelings and thoughts and appreciate that I’m not alone!! Have a blessed day.
Well Kathi I feel so honored that you would leave a comment here today! 🙂 Thank you so much for your sweet words and you are definitely not alone!
Thank you – I needed to read this today – and will carry this with me throughout the day.
Thank you for this words. God answered my prayers through you. I just need listen this today: God loves me without condicion. Thank you so much for sharing this experience with us.
God bless you and your family.
XoXo
What a power-filled message! It will have an impact on all who read it.
This is exactly the “chore” He had in store (yes, I went there!) for you!
Thanks Vanessa, I needed to hear that this morning……God Bless!
That was awesome and just what I needed to be reminded of…
Thanks
Vanessa, it would seem God did have a task for you. Without realizing it, you did a splendid heartfelt job. You reminded all of us of what WE need to do, part of which is realizing our Savior is there guiding us even when we tend not to hear. I loved your message and needed it. Thank you.
These words are so appreciated today! I am planning on some quiet time with God this evening. I haven’t done that in awhile.
“It doesn’t say “Let us approach God’s throne with dread because He’s going to tell you how horrible you are.”” I laughed out loud at this because I think so many people think this!! I have. I’m glad you found quiet and stillness. We all need some of that sometimes.
Thank you, my sweet friend, for sharing this! Your words reminded me of what is missing. You are such a blessing! I love you!!!
s
Be still and know…..my dearest Vanessa…..be still and know.
As always..your post brings nourishment for the soul.
Bless you for hearing and writing with such wisdom and grace.
Susie
Beautiful…
All the pressure, all the people needing a piece of me……your words so describe where I have been living. Thank you and thank our wonderful Lord who already knew and loves always. Fresh grace, new mercies, Glorious!
Thank you for this post. Blessing to you today.
I definitely needed to hear that today. Tears welled up in my eyes as I read. Thank you for your willingness to share your heart.
I also cried while reading this. Your words touched a part of me that has been feeling less than worthy. Thank you for giving me a new perspective.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
This was so beautifully written. Thank you for your transparency , for I too have ALWAYS been afraid that God was going to require me to go to Africa…and I literally HATE to sweat, I HATE bugs, and I can’t live without Coke. There you have it! I have been a Christian for 40+ years, and like you, when I finally pay attention to that nagging feeling that something is ‘missing’ or ‘wrong’, I am always humbled by the precious way that God let’s me know how much He loves me and how much he has missed me during long absences due to buzyness. I just found your site this evening and can’t wait to learn how to create some of the darling crafts you have shown here. Great work, girls. BTW, you are both beautiful!! Love how you have designed your website!
Love what you wrote. I often turn to Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God” when I am feeling lost or stressed. We need reminders that it’s ok to be still . Thank you