It was a late summer evening. School was already back in session and while it felt like it should be fall, Oregon was in no hurry to say goodbye to the warm nights when the sun seemed to linger on the horizon, wanting to make sure that it was the last one to leave the party.
We sat on my parent’s patio, eating berry pie and drinking coffee while the kids took turns (a miracle in and of itself!) pushing each other on the tire swing down in the woods. From where I sat, I could see my sweet girl swinging with the air of carefree living that only seems to exist in those years before adolescence. I could hear her giggles and chatter and it made my heart equally want to burst with joy and also with pain. Joy from the innocence and pain from the knowledge that life was coming at her and coming at her fast.
A few moments before, I had been recounting to my mom some things that my daughter had shared with me about her recent interactions with ‘friends’ along with some of my own observations about what I’ve been seeing play out in the world of 9 and 10 year old girls. I think the entire conversation began when I shared with her an incredible article I had recently read that was written by my dear friend Sarah entitled, ‘The Nuances of Being a Nice Girl‘. All about the trials and tribulations of navigating middle school, it not only made me think about all that lies ahead for my daughter but it took me back to my own middle school years. Years which held so much potential but were filled with so much hurt.
As my mom and I talked, she reminded me of something that had happened when I was in the 7th grade. Something that frankly I had completely forgotten. Or maybe I just blocked it out of my memory. A group of girls, ‘popular’ girls, were having a sleepover. And not only was I not invited, but I was informed ahead of time by them that I wasn’t invited. Yep.
Now, that might have been the worst of it, except that it just so happened that the girl hosting the sleepover lived down the street from me. And that night, they decided to walk up and down the street together, lingering in front of my house for long stretches of time. They talked loudly and laughed loudly and made sure that I was aware of their presence.
I had front row seats for the popularity parade.
I listened to my mom recount the story to me with my mouth gaping open as the memory came flooding back. There I sat, a 40 year old woman, feeling the fresh sting of it as though it happened yesterday rather than 28 years ago. And, while I’d like to say that I’ve never experienced anything like it again in my life, that simply isn’t true. Oh sure, it may not be that overt, that obvious of a slight, but there are still moments even as grown women when we find ourselves sitting in the window watching the parade going by, wondering why we aren’t included.
And I wish I had all of the answers. I wish I knew why some people feel the need to rub it in, shout it from the rooftops (aka social media), and just generally make their parades known to the world. Life and getting older, personal experiences and a lot of prayer have shown me that it usually has everything to do with them and very little to do with us.
I see my daughter, standing on the precipice of adolescence and I know what it is that I need to teach her, to instill in her.
She needs to know that whether she is in middle school or she is middle aged, there will always be a parade. There will always be moments of feeling left out or slighted. Times when we wonder why we weren’t invited to that party or included in this group or that event.
And she needs to know that, most of the time, all of those things are simply beyond our control.
But, more than anything else, I want her to know what she can control. She can control whether or not she chooses to look longingly at those parades and allows them to determine her self-worth or whether she will be defined by her choice to join another parade. One that has the most loving, the most kind, the most merciful Grand Marshal of any parade in the history of parades. And that He calls her worthy, chosen, beloved.
“But thanks be to God, who always leads us as captives of Christ’s triumphal procession and uses us to spread the aroma of knowledge of him everywhere.” (2 Corinthians 2:14)
She can control whether or not she will invite others to join her. Whether she will be an includer, a girl (and one day a woman) after God’s own heart. Whether she will point to Him as the Grand Marshal and allow her knowledge and love of Him to be a fragrant aroma, drawing others to join her as she marches to the beat of His heart.
I wish I could go back in time and tell 12 year old me that it will be alright. That as she sits there in her bedroom listening to the taunting voices outside, God is beginning a good work in her. One that will take her on a journey that isn’t always easy, but will teach her to be ever watchful for the hurting, the left out. One in which she will discover that being in the popularity parade isn’t really all it’s cracked up to be. That those girls have their own set of hurts.
I wish I could tell her that one day she will write about her journey. That (and this will blow her mind!) her writings will even be turned into a book. That the parade of girls in front of her house will not define her.
Mostly I wish I could tell her to hang on. And not just to anything.
To hang onto the truth that God has a wonderful, amazing, sometimes messy but mostly beautiful plan for her life.
“But, as it is written, “No eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him.” (1 Corinthians 2:9)
Thank you for meeting me at the fence today dear friends,
And don’t forget that our first book, ‘Life in Season‘ is for sale in stores and online now!
Such sweet truth Vanessa. Even at 40 its hard to realize we all go through this. It feels so alone, that is something the enemy is so good at, making us feel alone in our pain. Thank you for speaking out and letting me know I’m not alone, wasn’t then and I’m not now! Blessings to you and your girl as she moves ahead on this journey of life!
Oh Vanessa, how beautifully written and heartfelt. We all remember that feeling in our life of being left out. Your sweet reminder of never being left out with the Father is what we desire our children and our child self to so embrace, isn’t it.
Thank you and keep reminding us in your sweet way of our God’s truth! May your sweet little girl feel His love as she walks those middle school halls!
Starting my day with these sweet words, a cup of hot coffee, and tears. Why..oh why must there be a parade? Always a parade. In a few minutes I am leaving to go back to the little college that I went to for the first two years of my Batchelor’s. It’s been so so so many years since I have been there. I’m not excited. I don’t need any more parades.
I’ll be thinking of these encouraging words, praying for others in attendance, and letting everything be ok.
Thanks Vanessa.
XOXO Susie from The Chelsea Project
I couldn’t help but wonder as I read this, if one or more of those girls also recalled that memory and felt remorseful. As I get older I find that memories come in different “flavors”. Some of them remind your mature self how much you’ve changed, especially if Christ is a part of your life.
As a former teacher, I wish I could forward this to every mother of school age children. Thank you for sharing this valuable “teachable” moment. It seems that so much emphasis is placed today on self esteem and gratification and not on loving, serving, and humility. The way children are treated by their peers and adults truly lives on and never goes away. Thank you for encouraging us to be always mindful of the message we convey through words and actions. May we desire to be Christ-like and remember the golden rule because we could possibly be the only love (or the lack thereof) a young person may encounter on any given day. Sharing your experience has brightened my day already! May your blessings be too numerous to count for the gifts you give to others! I look forward to reading your book.
Amen, sister! Thank you for sharing your heart.
I did not have a daughter but wish I had had this for my granddaughter. I will encourage her to read your book even at 20. Someday she may need it for a daughter herself, As many others, I can so relate to your story and am glad to say mine had a happy ending.
What we think of ourselves is the most important of all.
how well I remember my youngest daughter and her tears……2 girls were the cause of her tears….I had to tell her they were not really her friends and explain why….took her a while but she did realize it…..
I will never understand why women/girls are mean to each other….makes no sense to me, never has
My deceased Mother would be 95 this year. When I was a 7th grade girl, she recounted her stories of “mean” girls and told me that girls have always been mean. I now understand that truth. So sad.
Beautiful story today . Thank you for sharing. You and your daughter have wonderful mother’s
Oh, those were painful years…. if only we had a hint of what was ahead. Thanks for the lovely reminders that point to God’s loving faithfulness in our lives.
Oh, how the tears are flowing. I can well remember my teen years and how hurtful and mean girls can be. I always walked the Christ-like life and was ridiculed. I can recall one girl, who later told me she had admired me for standing up! I taught middle school and witnessed this mistreatment to girls by others being so mean. I only wish I could have put my arms around them and told them that God loved them, but being in public school I could not.
God’s promises at these times are so reassuring. 1 Peter 4:8 “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
Beautifully written and so very true. When our daughters go through this heartbreak – we mothers feel it too. Thank you for writing this reminder of the young and tender.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I will share it with my daughter. I certainly can relate to this story and my daughter will too. Wishing you a day filled with grace!
Thank you for sharing this story. Beautifully said….
Blessings to you and your daughter.
Vanessa, thanks so much for sharing from your heart. I remember feeling left out and not good enough growing up. Believe it or not, at the age of 63, I still feel that way at times. I definitely think it’s Satan who attacks believers and wants to convince that they are not good enough as they are. I’m so glad that we have a loving Lord who fashioned us and thinks we are beautiful.
Oh Vanessa! I remember going through that stuff as well. It’s heartbreaking and as I read I can’t help but feel the sting right with you. What a well written pos on how to turn that experience into a call from God to come experience his overwhelming love an acceptance. 🙂
How very true your story is as I also went thru my share as an adolescent.
I’m a grandmother now and want to share this story with my daughter for her daughter who is 10. My granddaughter had already began to feel that kind of hurt. We all love God with all our heart and our hearts desire is to follow Him all the days of our lives. Can’t wait to share it.
I found you and your priceless blog and Facebook post recently. I have been following you every day!!!!
Thanks so very much for sharing your stories!! I feel like I know you 😊❤️
Have a very blessed day. Linda
P. S. I ordered your book!!!!!!
Hi Linda! Thank you so much for your kind words about my blog and for joining our community here AND for ordering my book!! That means more to me than you could know. I’m so grateful for my friends here!! xoxo
Walking through those hurts with our kids is so hard and yet I’m really thankful for these opportunities to point my girl to her Heavenly Father and help her grow in her relationship with Him through these seasons. If it all came easy then we wouldn’t learn to lean on Him, right?
Blessings to you!
Vanessa