(If you are just now joining us for The Peace-Filled Home series be sure to read part one and part two)
I believe that a peace-filled home begins with a peace-filled heart. This is the foundation, the solid rock, which you can rely on to help you experience peace even in the midst of the craziness. Having a home built on peace is what sustains us in the busy schedules, the unpredictable events and the roller coaster that is life.
A peace-filled home is a gift that you give to all of those who live there, including yourself. It’s providing a safe haven, a respite from all that we encounter the minute we step outside our door. Because we all know that what we often encounter out there in the world is anything but peaceful.
We’ve all heard the saying, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” But, it wasn’t until I became a wife and a mother that I fully understood just how accurate it is.
Ladies, I truly believe that a peace-filled home starts with us.
And today, we’re going to talk about how your peace ‘personality’ impacts your ability to build that foundation of peace in your home.
But first, let’s establish three things right up front.
1. Peace is not synonymous with perfection.
2. Peace is not the absence of stress or chaos.
3. Peace requires intentionality.
Years ago I attended a ‘Peacemakers’ conference at our church where we learned about how to have peace in our relationships. It was incredibly humbling and eye-opening. And while the focus of the conference is based around our interactions with others, I believe that the same principles can be applied when it comes to creating a peace-filled home.
According to the ‘Peacemaker’ principles, we all tend to fall into three different categories: The Peace-Maker, The Peace-Faker and the Peace-Breaker. I’ve taken this same concept and translated it into how we tend to approach our homes.
Keeping in mind that these aren’t meant to be generalizations and are in no way comprehensive, let’s take a look at the three different categories that we tend to fall into when it comes to our lives and our homes.
The peace-breaker tends to be someone who constantly feels overwhelmed. They will often start projects with a determination to change things in their home or in their lives but find it hard to carry through. The peace-breaker also tends to not want to host people because they are aware of the chaos in their home and don’t want others to see it.
The peace-faker tends to be a perfectionist and will often re-do chores done by family members because they believe that the chores weren’t done properly or to their standard. The peace-faker doesn’t respond well to change. They are very aware of how they are perceived by others and while they are comfortable hosting others in their home, it isn’t always done with warmth and will often involved a great deal of stress for themselves and their family prior to the event.
The peace-maker is someone who is well-balanced. They are intentional about creating a home that feels like a refuge for their family but they won’t sacrifice comfort in the process. A peace-maker can adapt to changes in a schedule but also provides stability even in the midst of the changes. They have established routines but are willing to throw caution to the wind if need be. The peace-maker understands is able to open their home to guests and make everyone feel comfortable in the process, including their family who reside in the home with them. They understand that hospitality is not about perfection but they also value creating an environment that is warm and welcoming.
Does one of these descriptions resonate with you? Do you want to know who I was for many years?
I freely admit that I am a recovering peace-faker. I remember one particular time, years ago, when we were going to be hosting a holiday meal in our home. I had spent the better part of the day running around like crazy trying to get the house ready and the food prepared and pillows plumped and the table settings just perfect. I had barked at anyone who dared sit down on the bed that I had just straightened and I was generally making everyone around me miserable, including myself. But, the minute the doorbell rang, I was little miss merry sunshine, greeting our guests with smiles and an air of ease that greatly belied the stressful atmosphere of our home only minutes before.
It took me a long time to come to the realization that what I was doing was hurting my family. I was a crazy hosting lunatic and I was taking everyone down with me. The guests got the best of me and my family got the rest of me…actually they got the WORST of me. And I wasn’t just a peace-faker when it came to having people in our home. I’ve always been very aware of every flaw in myself and in my home. I’m a people pleaser and when areas of my life feel like they are out of control, I tend to go overboard in the areas that I feel like I can control….namely my home and the people living in it. In all of my striving as a homemaker, when it came to the actual making of a home, I realized that what I was doing wasn’t working.
So, how did I go from a peace-faker to a peace-maker? You’ll find out in the next installment! But, in the meantime, since I told you my ‘peace’ personality, would you be willing to tell me yours? Let’s talk a bit!
I’m so glad you met me here at the Fence today,
I love your series on The Peace-filled Home. Unfortunately I see myself as a Peace Breaker and a Peace Faker. I feel like everything has to be “perfect” before inviting someone over, and it is rarely perfect. Thank you, this gives me new food for thought.
I think I have moved from a peace -breaker to a peace -faker, oh dear. Now I want to become a peace maker with a peace filled home.
Thanks Vanessa for another inspirational piece.
Shirley@Housepitality Designs says
I know I am going to love this series….I remember as a child/teenager when my parents were hosting company, mainly for BBQ’s….I would run around tidying things up in the house while my mother was cooking….I usually went a bit overboard on the tidying up….and I remember my mom would say, “they are not coming to see our house, they are coming to see us and enjoy the company” …. my mom was the perfect hostess in the fact that she never fussed about anything…she was organized and a true multi-tasker…she had to be with 5 kids running around!
Mia White says
Oh Vanessa, I can SO relate to what you’ve shared here– it’s like you’re in my head! We are so similar. I used to struggle almost identically to the peace-faking you described. And if I’m being honest, it’s still my M.O., my natural bent; I have to work VERY hard continually to overcome those tendencies! Glad to know I’m not alone, thanks for sharing <3
It’s strange but I see myself in all 3. However I’m terrified of hosting people at our home so I’m more likely a peace-breaker.
Lisa Mothersead says
Ditto to your story. Trying to be more flexible, kind, and accepting of things I have little or no control over. Definite doormat/later resentful personality. But, responsible, loving, and forward looking most of the time. I have a very good husband of 35 years that has helped me grow in these areas. Good marriages make you a better person, I believe.
I am definitely a peace-faker! The description was SO accurate! I was actually a little shocked and taken aback. But thank you for this post!
I look forward to reading how you changed! I know I have slowly been letting go: that everything doesn’t HAVE to be perfect before guests arrive, but need more help!
Rebecca Turner says
Waiting for the next installment.
Cj Horn says
Thanks much……I am looking forward to more of the series. GOD BLESS YOU!!!!
At The Picket Fence says
Hi Cj! The last installment of the series is on the blog today. 🙂