~This Simply Sunday Post continues the story of my journey through infertility and
the adoption of our 2 precious children.
the adoption of our 2 precious children.
Previous entries can be read in our Labor of the Heart Series.~
Here’s the Good News about PAIN.
Once you’ve experienced it, you will never be the same again.
Here’s the Bad News about PAIN.
Once you’ve experienced it, you will never be the same again.
Stay with me here.
You see, my pain is not unique. Many, many couples struggle with infertility and the feelings of loss and grief that come with it.
While our particular situation may be unique, the pain experience is not.
In fact, if you haven’t had some kind of trauma in your life yet, you most certainly will at some point. That is just the reality of our time here on this Earth.
It is even spelled out for us in John “…In this world you will have trouble.”
Doesn’t really get any clearer than that, does it?
I feel as though my life has been divided into 2 parts. The first half was spent fairly trouble-free. There were minor issues here and there but nothing overly traumatic.
The second half (which is still unfolding even as I write these words!)
began the moment I realized I would never have biological children.
I became a different person.
I became a different person.
I felt foreign, even to myself.
The “me” prior to that moment, began a long and arduous battle with the “me” I was to become.
Why was it long and arduous? Why would I even call it a battle to begin with?
Well, simply because I was wrestling with my former self.
Well, simply because I was wrestling with my former self.
My former self strived for perfection.
My former self didn’t want to stick out.
My former self was full of pride.
And, let’s be honest, I still struggle with all of these things in my life! Ugh.
But, in this half of my life, I have evidence of how God took that former self and humbled her.
How she was broken down and built back up.
How He didn’t just hand me the “desires of my heart” on a silver platter, but He pointed me towards His desires for me.
BIG DIFFERENCE!
And for me, the only way to align MY desires with HIS desires was to deal with those issues that were keeping me from seeing just how incredible His plan might end up being.
In my early stages of grief, I was talking about this issue with my sister Heather, and how I felt like I was walking through a fog most of the time.
Never knowing when I was going to run straight into a brick wall or
something was going to pop out at me and knock me down.
She told me that she saw this season in my life like a Tapestry.
The only part of the Tapestry I could see was the backside.
Where it was full of knots and threads and you couldn’t get any idea of what was on the front.
The only part of the Tapestry I could see was the backside.
Where it was full of knots and threads and you couldn’t get any idea of what was on the front.
But the front was the side God saw!
He saw that all of those knots and threads came together to form a beautiful image.
He saw that all of those knots and threads came together to form a beautiful image.
(Isn’t she a great big sister?)
The harsh reality is, we aren’t really supposed to see the front of the Tapestry
while we are in that season of pain or grief or trauma.
We have another “job”.
And initially to me, it felt like it was just adding insult to injury.
Because, how I approached this “job” of mine was going to dictate whether the news for me was
“Good News” or “Bad News”.
And either way, I was never going to be the same again!
~To Be Continued~
Oh, and by the way, do you want to know what the rest of vs. 33 says in John 16?
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have PEACE. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Thank you for joining me for this Simply Sunday Post,
Linking this post to:
Imparting Grace: Grace Imparted Party
Your posts always touch my heart and I wish we lived closer so we could have coffee time and talk, talk, talk!!!! Hugs.
I agree-once you have had a life-altering experience you are never the same. I have found that either people grow from it~becoming kinder and more understanding OR they let bitterness root in their heart. I’d say you have overcome the adversities that life sent you way..and have become a stronger, braver person. Thank you for sharing YOU here! God bless you..He already has! xo Diana
Wow. Great post. I’m looking forward to the continuation.
Take care,
Pam
Thanks Vanessa. Your post warmed my heart.
Love you,
Mom
That post and passage were exactly what I needed today. Amazing
God works in mysterious ways. It is evident in everyone’s life every day. I personally have a difficult time with this concept…if God is good, why does he let us hurt? But I believe he has a plan. He has a plan for you and at the right time he will show you. The hard part is waiting and not knowing. I truly believe that what is meant to be will happen. We have control of our destiny but only to a certain point. It’s in God’s hands. Trust he will do the right thing.
beautifully said. brought tears to my eyes. thank you for sharing this journey with us. you are an inspiration!
Beautiful post! Really touched my heart!
Oh, Vanessa! I too appreciate you sharing your journey with us. I know it must be so hard, but darling, you know who’s is holding your little hand and He will be with you all the way! Saying a prayer now!
Blessings,
Shelia 😉
Oh, I wish I could give you a big hug. Even though I don’t ever wish anyone to go through the entire infertility “nightmare”, I do feel good when I find others that can understand what it is like. I know that when I was going through it I felt like I was the only person in the world who couldn’t have kids. But like everyone told me, God has a special plan for all of us even thought I couldn’t quite understand it that at the time. If I didn’t go though what I did we wouldn’t have my beautiful boys, even though some days i want to kill them..ha, ha. I think that it’s wonderful that you are able to talk about it. It’s gotten easier for me as time has gone on and sometimes I even laugh about all we had to endure. Looking forward to reading more of your posts!
Marianne 🙂
God bless you, Vanessa. As the mother of an adopted daughter, I can relate. There’s no pain like the pain of infertility, and no joy like the joy of adoption. You just have to experience it to understand. My daughter is grown and married now. Through the years, I’ve written about my experience here and there, but the full story will appear in an upcoming Chicken Soup title (Answered Prayers), due out in October. I still get goosebumps every time I think about the miracle of my child.
V-
You are such a blessing!! Thank you for sharing your heart.
I love you friend!!
Christy 🙂
Vanessa,
Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us today. Your words brought to mind the promise found in Romans 8:28. At times it is hard to believe in the midst of such pain that our Lord is working for our good, yet today you have testified that it is so and that has strengthened me. What a God exalting post this is. I personally have been deeply touched by it.
Vanessa,
I don’t know how you find the inner strength to write these incredibly vulnerable posts but I am certain that they will bring hope and comfort to many others.
You are amazing. xxxx
Sarahx
Oh Vanessa I knew we were kindred spirits. You and I share the same story. My son Sebastian, that you featured on your blog a few weeks ago, was the gift that God sent me. I hope in all of this you also realize, as I had, that sharing the word about adoption is a ministry in and of itself. Every single day, I thank God for sending me my wonderful son. The pain of finding out that I was unable to get pregnant stays with me but it is now manifested in the form of what I now know is joy. I am looking forward to the rest of the story. I LOVE happy endings. Thank you for sharing your story with the world! May God continue to bless you and your family.
And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.
Matthew 18:5
Paula
We also share the same heart breaking story, Vanessa. I am so excited to see how God is going to working HIS plan out in YOUR life. I know you are too. After many unsuccessful pregnancies, two ectopic pregnancies that took my tubes, and failed IVF, my hubby and I were blessed by our heavenly father to be able to adopt 3 fabulous children over the years. We have always told our children that they were conceived for us…that is truly what we believe. Bless you for sharing your story, and for claiming victory over this part of your life that is so disappointing, and hard to truly understand!! Hallelujah HE is in control and wants what is best for us. There is no greater place to be than smack dab in the middle of his perfect plan! XO
What a great idea! How do you ever find all the time!?
Vanessa, I think you should write a book of encouragement on this very issue. Infertility touches so many women and the fact that you have trusted the Lord and ‘walked through the Red Sea’ would encourage so many!! I am passing this on to friends and family that have struggled with the ‘why’ and my prayer is they will feel the sweet encouragement of the Holy Spirit talking through you! You and Heather both have the gift of writing and sharing so beautifully to where the reader can ‘feel’ what you are saying!! A gift I tell ya’! I miss you and am so sorry I have been the worst blogger and blogger friend! Summer certainly took a ‘busy’ turn as the idea of lazy summer days was only in MY mind!!! Love to you! Christie
What a beautiful post, Vanessa. You know I can relate all too well to every single aspect of your words. You tell “your story” so eloquently … I love it and love that you allow us to see and “feel” your raw emotions. Thank you, friend. xoxo
Speechless.
Beautifully written, Vanessa. Today I heard the song Blessings by Laura Story for the first time. “What if your blesings come through raindrops. What if your healing comes through tears?” Such a powerful song. Your post made me think of it again. God’s answers are often not what we would have originally chosen but oh, they are so much better. Something we all need to be reminded of.
Oh, yes! He has overcome the world! And He is still overcoming, still walking alongside us as we wrestle with all the things that need to be overcome. Isn’t it amazing how He will change our hearts if we will let Him?? So often we treat Him as if He were a fairy godmother, and we pout if we don’t get our wishes granted. But you’ve obviously learned to let Him be the Lord who will work all things together for good, even if you don’t get your “wishes” granted. I appreciate your message of good news. I know that you’ve really had to suffer as you’ve learned the lessons you pass along here, and I am inspired to see that you’re able to pass along these lessons with a smile on your face and a song in your heart, grateful for the way God has imparted grace to you. Thank you!!