Dear friends, I just felt like I needed to share from my heart with you today. To share what’s been happening behind the scenes here At the Picket Fence.
You see, every day for months now I’ve been pouring my heart out as I’m writing our book. We’re so humbled and thrilled that we have this opportunity that I’ve been hesitant to share the other side of it. The side that has been challenging and has pushed me to my absolute limit. It’s truly the most emotionally draining thing I’ve ever done. Early on, a fellow author friend advised me that the most important thing I can do while writing is to make sure that I’m staying in God’s word and getting replenished. But, what I’ve found is that as quickly as I am replenished, I am drained once again. And around and around I go.
I so desperately want to be sharing fun crafts and recipes here with you but all of my creative juices are going into the book (and oh you guys we have some wonderful projects awaiting you in the book!). I have stories I want to tell you and conversations I’d love to engage in with you but after hours on end of writing and creating I feel completely empty. Every last ounce of energy I have goes to trying to take care of my family and keep my home running so that by the time my head hits the pillow at night I find myself almost numb from the fatigue.
I’ve been thinking about David lately. There is no denying the anguish he is experiencing as he writes these words in Psalm 38. “All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart pounds, my strength fails me, even the light has gone from my eyes.”
David is weary. He is discouraged. He feels drained. He’s reached the end of himself.
And I get it.
Because right now, I’m weary. I’m discouraged. I feel drained. I feel isolated.
I feel as though I’ve reached the end of myself.
And reaching the end of yourself is frightening. It’s in this place where I find that I’m the most vulnerable. The most exposed.
When I am the most weary, the most discouraged, the most numb, I find that I’m also the most tempted to give into feelings that I know are not from the Lord. It’s there that all of my fears and insecurities rise to the surface and because I feel so emotionally depleted, I feel as though I have very little left to fight back against those feelings.
Regularly throughout this journey, I have felt as though I’m bobbing up and down in the ocean, my head just barely staying above the water line. And out of one corner of my eye I can see a huge wave looming in the distance, threatening to overtake me and pull me under. But, out of the other corner of my eye, I see a lifeboat on the horizon. The sight of it giving me hope of rescue.
2 Corinthians 4 says, “But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifest in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.”
In that moment, when I’ve reached the end of myself, I realize that I have choice to make. I can either give into the doubts and fears and insecurities, allowing them to paralyze me. Allowing them to keep me in the same spot, bobbing up and down until the wave comes and crashes over me.
Or I can see that moment as an opportunity. An opportunity to experience ‘surpassing power’. It’s the chance to experience something so amazing, so miraculous. The chance to know, without a doubt, that as I am daily responding to this call He has placed on my life, the strength to accomplish it doesn’t come from me. It comes from Him.
Not only is He the lifeboat on the horizon, but His surpassing power will give me the strength I need to stay afloat until I can reach it.
The reality is that reaching the end of ourselves means we’ve finally reached the beginning of a new understanding of the Father’s love for us.
And let me tell you, this is where the really good stuff happens. The messy, hard, amazing, beautiful good stuff.
It’s in this place where I have continually had it affirmed that I am simply a vessel. A vessel which has been emptied of what was once there in order to be refilled by the Lord so that what is poured out reflects HIM and not ME.
So, why exactly am I telling you all of this? Because not only do I want you to be apart of this journey with us, but I also want you to know that if you have reached the end of yourself, well, I understand.
And I’d like to pray for you.
If you feel so inclined, please leave me a comment telling me how I can come alongside you.
We’re all in this together, after all. And while our circumstances might be different, the journey to the end of yourself is one that we shouldn’t do alone.
Thank you for letting me share some of my journey with you here today!
“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”
What an inspirational post. We got this….because of Him!
AMEN!!!!!!
{{Hugs}} Thank you for sharing. You’re exactly right, in these times it’s when we need to get closer to “Him”. Keep going. You’re in my prayers.
Precious Vanessa, you’re already in the lifeboat! Thanks for sharing your heart. I’m going to share this with my DIL who is searching for a new meaning in life after learning that she and our son can’t have children. Please pray that she will realize she’s in her tender Shepherd’s arms, next to His heart, as are you. May joy mark your journey, dear one, as you faithfully walk feeling the comfort of His rod and His staff.
Karen from Oregon
Oh Karen thank you so much!! And I’m so, so sorry about what your son and DIL are going through. I’m not sure if you knew this but my husband and I were not able to have biological children (we’ve since adopted 2 of the most amazing kiddos ever, both as newborns) and I completely understand the pain and loss they are experiencing. If she is ever needing to talk with someone who can relate, please let her know that she can email me at atthepicketfence@gmail.com. Also, I’ve shared some of our journey on the blog and this is the link to those posts: http://www.atthepicketfence.com/category/adoption
I will be praying for them and for you as you support them during this difficult season. Much love to you!
Thank you, Vanessa!
I’m so sorry they can’t have children. God has a different plan for them!
Yes, He does. Thank you!
When I get to the end of myself, I say, “Lord, I’m not sure what to do here, but I know you are with me. Let me hear what you are saying; let me see what you are showing me; let me do what you want me to do.” And it works.
“Dear Heavenly Father,
I’m coming to ask for continued strength for your servant Vanessa. This book is not only part of her business but her mission in service to you. Please renew her. Surround her with those who can life her up. Love on her as only you can. Help her press on toward the goal to which you have called her to. In your name I pray.”
Well your words brought on the waterworks my friend!! 😉 Thank you so much for your prayer of blessing and encouragement. So appreciate you!
My son was in a motorcycle accident sept. 21. We have been in the hospital since and he has traumatic brain injury. Our discharge is Monday . He will be coming home with my husband and I. (He s 35) . I.m tired, scared, and nervous for the coming months. He has come so far,for which we are thankful, but has a long way to go. Appreciate your prayers
Oh Susan, words cannot express how incredibly sorry I am for your family as you are going through this incredibly painful time. Know that I am lifting your son and all of you up in prayer to the ONE who sees and knows all and wants to give you the peace that passes all understanding. Thank you for allowing us to come alongside you!
Wow. Just wow. Thank you for sharing part of your journey with your readers. You write eloquently and honestly. Raw. The realizations you have made can take people a lifetime to learn. Or some not at all. But most of us never go seeking for fear our character defects will smack us right in the face. Fear. Fear is so powerful. Paralyzing, if you give into it, feed it. Like air to a fire. But the courage to face your fears. To choose to the lifeboat. To turn it over to God is the strongest and most powerful act we can do. That is when the healing can begin.
I too have been at the end of myself. I am recently divorced and for two years was in a very depressed, dark and isolated state. Only the support of my family and the strength of our Lord did I choose the lifeboat. I have good days and not so good days.
I came to understand fully why only one set of footprints were in the sand as I walked with Jesus. He was carrying me. Doing for me what I could not do for myself. Turning it over to him. Faith. Knowing it would all be ok, releasing the guilt. Love and light came back into my heart and I began to heal.
Thank you again for your powerful words and sharing part of yourself with me today.
Dear Vanessa,
First – a huge congrats on the writing of your book. This is well deserved, and is exciting, and I couldn’t be more happier for you! As for the constant barrage of needing that creative output, and also having a young family….you have a lot on your plates right now. You have GOD as your pilot, all will be well.
I am sending up prayers for you both and both your wonderful families. I too could use prayer for better health – have some issues that have me not playing my A game…..and I truly believe in the Power of Prayer!
My best to you both. Big hugs. Hang in there. This is gonna be AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥♥
PS check out my last post commenting on another blogger’s faith post, I don’t believe in coincidences, I think you are supposed to read it.
What a beautiful believer you are. God Bless your journey. Pam
Vanessa, your post is touching and real. There is one thing I (and others as well) have learned as a writer: taking a break from a project is seriously necessary. As we get so involved physically, emotionally, and spiritually, a time-out is paramount to continuing. The light will go out if we do not take a refreshing respite from our work, which fans the flame again. Yes, there are many things in my life that could use prayer but I would rather pray for you and your family. I pray you know the refreshment of the Lord and the infilling you need to do all He has called you to do. May He bless you with a special touch of His presence.
Praying for you today. Hugs
I appreciate what you have shared and know well where you are. As a writer and in life’s passages.
“May the Son of Righteousness shine upon you and scatter the darkness from the path before you. With each step you take may you hear the brush of angel’s wings assuring you that you do not walk alone.” An anonymous quote which was shared with me at a time when I felt “at my end”.
God’s peace.
Thank you so much for sharing. This has been a year of struggles and renewal. And as I read your beautiful, truthful words I realized so many times our creativity pushes us daily and we also have so much more going on in our lives. I wanted to share how hard this year has been for me with recovering from 2 knee replacement surgeries but I can’t begin to talk about me after reading some of the posts. I will just pray for all of us and know God has a plan.
Kevin I’m so sorry that you’ve had such a difficult year. Know that I’m praying for you!
Vanessa,
Thank you. I so needed to read this today. I, too, have been feeling the end of myself. Spread too thin, too many deadlines, not enough time, going to bed exhausted, getting up exhausted. Your perfectly timed message has reminded me to step back, breathe, and trust. God has got this. Thank you for the prayers. Praying for you and your wonderful, God blessed journey….can’t wait for your book to come out!
~Peace,
Cindy
Thank you so much Cindy! Praying for you too friend! <3
Dear Vanessa, there may be some who do not understand, but thank you for being transparent and vulnerable, and for sharing with us. I’m sorry you’re struggling. It sounds like you are stretched too thin…a place where we all find ourselves sometimes. Maybe it’s time to be still. Can you lean on others regarding some responsibilities, temporarily? I’m sorry that I don’t have real answers, but I do care, and since we are meant to bear one another’s burdens and encourage one another, I will pray that God will lift you up to soar, and that you will be led by His Spirit. Peace will accompany you there.
Rebecca you definitely hit the nail on the head. I’m stretched very thin right now but I’m reminding myself daily that it is only for a season. I did manage to get away with my family for a few days last week which was a wonderful respite. I’m jumping right back into things feeling a bit refreshed! Thank you so much for your prayers and words of encouragement. They mean so much to me!
Vanessa, thank you so much for sharing this part of your journey. I am 69 years old, supposedly in “the Golden Years”, but I too am drained every evening, emotionally and physically! The Lord and I have “continuous conversation” during my waking hours and I know those conversations with My Father are the only things that keep me going!!! The devil has been attacking my family personally for the last 3 months and I know that he is nothing compared to my Father!!!! He is bigger than ANYTHING!!!!!! Satan’s attacks are just making my faith in my God stronger because He is my Refupge and Strength!!!!
Anita I am so sorry that you have felt so under attack in recent months. Those times are definitely opportunities to turn to the Lord and it sounds as though that is exactly what you are doing! I will be praying for you and your family!
This could not have been more perfectly timed. I ended up reading your post on my phone while crying and hiding out in the bathroom to just get away from my kids’ crying for a few minutes. I have completely hit a wall today and like you said, I feel completely depleted and “I’ve reached the end of myself.” I needed these reminders today. Thank you for your encouraging words and your prayers.
Sarah I’ve hidden in the bathroom quite a few times myself so I completely understand!! I’m always amazed by God’s timing and just know that I am praying for you as I type these words. Just remember that YOU are the exact right mama for your kiddos. I’m praying against the doubts and fears that inevitably pop up when we as mom’s reach the end ourselves and for peace to flood your heart and your home. <3
I definitely need your prayers as I seem to reach the end of myself often these days. I cannot wait to read your book! You and Heather have influenced my life greatly in the short time I have been reading your blog. Thank you!
Your friend is right, the first key is Gods Holy Word. What I’m about to say isn’t to draw pity (although prayers always appreciated), or to say my problem is bigger than yours because we each have valleys to go through, they are just all different. But I’ve found scripture, saying I can get through the next 15 minutes (advice from a dear friend) and listening to the sound of the world God created brings incredible peace….rain washing out house with peace, bugs in the summer singing a peaceful melody. My daughter is 28 and has been fighting stage 4 cancer for 6 months now, she and her husband have 3 little one, 3 year old autistic child, 2 year old and 1 year old. Our daughter is the oldest of 5, and we still have 2 teens at home. Our daughter and her husband are renting their house out and staying with us and it is a blessing to help my son in law to help care for our daughter and their 3 little ones. But when there are setbacks and fear flows over me like a icy swollen creek…..I look to Him. For He will lift you up and help you stand…He will give you peace if you listen, and look.
Annette, I WILL say that your problem is bigger than mine and I’m just so, so sorry for what you are going through. I honestly cannot imagine how difficult it must be and would never compare my temporary struggle to what your family is facing. Please know that I am praying for all of you and particularly for healing for your daughter! May you feel His peace flooding your heart in brand new ways each day.
Isn’t it nice that we do not travel in our lifeboats alone. God is always there to comfort and give strength and love.
I have been waiting for a new and better job to open for me. In the past few weeks, God has been asking me to take a week off from my present job and spend that week in fasting and prayer and His word. I plan on taking off December 3-9. My husband is a little concerned about the loss of pay for that week, but I am trusting God to supply.
Teresa I will be praying for you and your job search and that you will continue to trust God to open doors for you!
Vanessa…first of all, I must say that you are and always have been a very brave person. You have certainly gone through so many different struggles in your life and you have gotten through them due to your everlasting faith…..Don’t lose your faith in yourself as God has complete faith in you. We all experience “the end of ourselves”….trying to be the best we can be, and to always meet expectations of ourselves and what others have of us…the combination of both is truly exhausting. I have learned throughout my life that we cannot be all we can be to everyone….that we must stay true to ourselves and then everything falls into place. You are a good person, mother and wife and you are their blessing. When I get a bit overwhelmed, I sit and look at my picture of my friend Ruthie and I find my way to my perspective box. She knowing that her life had true limits, but still had enormous faith that every day was special no matter what happened. She searched within herself and chose what was most meaningful in her life and concentrated on that. Thoughts and prayers are with you Vanessa. I know you will listen to your heart and find great strength in your faith.
Vanessa, thank you for your profound words and sharing your struggles. By sharing your personal journey you have given your readers encouragement and inspiration. Blessings to you as you continue on the road of life.
Sweet Vanessa! I know exactly how you feel. Writing a book is more than exhausting and when you are in the thick of it… seems too much to ask a person to bear! I am praying for you. What a wonderful post this morning! So full of truth! I am amazed to see how our Great Father gives us just what we need… when we need it! And how we can look back and see His hand holding us.
You are amazing and God has given you so many many amazing talents and gifts. I praise God for you!
Vanessa I will be praying for you!
Right now I continue to struggle with a persistent health issue. Pain is my every draining companion. I am feeling better and can only attribute it to the Lord. So when you pray for me also praise God for what He is doing in my life.
With so much love and prayers! Yvonne
I loved this post. Maybe it’s my favorite one. It’s real and heartbreaking and hopeful. Life is hard. We all have those challenges that come that threaten to destroy us. I’ve had my own, as we all have. In looking back, I can see that yes, I’m still here. And what I learned, in going through the darkness for a time, I would not trade for anything. The Lord allows us to feel these things that we may grow and become the person we were meant to be. I know where my strength has always come from – from Him. This is a time where you can study and pray and draw close to Him. For when we feel Him close, we become powerful enough to do anything! Hugs to you. I’ll be including you and your family in my prayers.
Don’t ever give up you are needed. Love to you and hugs.
Praying for you, sweet friend…for joy in the journey and nuggets of love, mercy and grace along the way…Jesus walked on water…grab His hand and join him far above the waves. Can’t wait to embrace all the writing of that book!!