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At The Picket Fence with Vanessa Hunt

Where Ideas for your Home Meet Inspiration for your Heart

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April 7, 2015

It’s Not You, It’s Me

We’re snuggled into the covers, talking and giggling in those precious minutes before I kiss her goodnight.

We make shadow puppets on the wall and she begs me to sing Jesus Loves Me in my best opera voice. I’m not going to lie folks, it’s epic. You’ll have to hear it sometime.

She thinks that she is stalling bedtime. But I know the truth. These are treasured moments, sacred and precious.

These are the moments when she will confide in me about her day. When she’ll laugh hysterically recounting something that happened in the lunchroom or when she’ll tell me how her feelings were hurt on the playground.

I ask her, “How are things going with that certain friend?”

And she says, “Well, I said ‘hi’ to her this morning but she just looked at me and turned the other way.” She gets quiet. I get quiet. She says, “It hurts my feelings Mommy. Why does she do that?”

I sift through multiple emotions…wanting to burst into tears…wanting to knock some sense into this other little girl…wanting to put my own sweet girl in a bubble to protect her from ever being hurt again.

I pray for the Lord to give me the right words. I want to tell her that things get better. That as she gets older she won’t have to deal with these kinds of encounters. But then that would just be a big fat lie, now wouldn’t it?

Because we all know that even as (supposedly) grown-up women, we experience those same situations. Those same hurt feelings. That same confusion.

So, I tell her the truth as I’ve come to understand it.

“It’s not you, sweetie, it’s her.”

Oh, how I wish I would have understood this at her age. Frankly, it’s only in the last couple of years that I’ve finally begun to really grasp it.

You see, for the better part of my life I’ve assumed that it was ME. There had to be a reason why that person didn’t like me. And it had to be something that I needed to change. The idea that it might have been THEM was totally foreign.

Why when I said ‘hi’ and smiled, would they not do likewise? It must mean I’m not worthy of their acknowledgement. Guess I better try harder, be cuter, dress more stylishly, be anyone else but…me.

What I didn’t know then was that there were two worlds colliding in that moment. There was something at work underneath the surface…their surface and my surface.

Something called insecurity.

We all have it, don’t we?

And if you think you don’t have it then, well, I hate to tell you this but you are insecure about that.

Just sayin’. 

But what I’ve come to realize as I’ve gotten older, is that just as we are all so uniquely different in our personalities, we are also uniquely different in how our insecurities manifest in our daily lives.

Maybe insecurity is what keeps someone from offering a smile and a ‘hi’. Maybe feeling in control of the friendship is what helps them combat the feelings of being out of control in other areas of their lives.

Maybe insecurity is what keeps someone trying over and over and over to get people to like them. Maybe trying so hard is what helps them combat the deep need to belong, to please, to be included.

Maybe insecurity is what keeps someone from celebrating another person’s success or paying them a compliment because they want so badly to achieve their goals or maybe they so desperately need to be the center of attention.

I think that for some time now, I’ve assumed that there is a hierarchy within the world of insecurity. Obviously having your insecurities manifest themselves in the form of trying too hard to please is MUCH nicer than having them manifest in not offering a smile to someone. But, who am I kidding?

It’s all damaging. It’s all destructive. It’s all ugly.

I want my precious daughter to understand that when that so-called friend decides to smile at her one day and ignore her the next, she is going to feel hurt. She is going to be confused and wonder what she has done. She is going to need to understand that it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with that friend’s insecurity.

But then, after that first wave of emotions, it becomes a different story.

Because when your insecurity meets my insecurity, we have two choices. We can either let them duke it out knowing there will be no winners. Or we can overwhelm them with grace and understanding knowing that then there is no way we can lose! 

We all have a choice to make. It might start about being about THEM and not about ME.

But how I process those feelings becomes about ME not about THEM. Are you tracking with me here?

I can’t control them. I can’t change them. But I can change me.

I can decide how I will process and internalizes those emotions.

I can decide whether I will retaliate by being the one to not smile or say ‘hi’ the next time.

I can decide whether or not I will congratulate that person on their success even if they have never been able to do the same for me?

I can decide if I will be willing to extend grace and forgiveness.

I can decide if I will allow my insecurities to function as a cloud over every encounter in my life. 

Lately, I’ve been playing the ‘what if’ game.

What if it didn’t have to be this way?

What if ALL of us realized that while we can’t change THEM we can change US?

What if we made peace with our insecurities?

What if when our insecurities met their insecurities there was sympathy and understanding instead of hurt and confusion?

What if we, gulp, actually acknowledge and even apologized for how our insecurities have wounded others? How they’ve tripped up relationships and made situations more complicated than they needed to be.

Just think what might happen!

I can imagine…

Healing

Reconciliation

Sympathy

Empathy

Peace

Joy

Does this have to exist only in my imagination?

I don’t know…you tell me! 😉

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15 Comments Filed Under: Devotionals Tagged With: devotional, devotions

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Comments

  1. Ruth Ann says

    April 7, 2015 at 3:57 AM

    Thank you Vanessa…..it was exactly what I needed to read this morning..

    Reply
  2. Sherri Houston says

    April 7, 2015 at 4:16 AM

    Well done! Thanks!

    Reply
  3. Shirley@Housepitality Designs says

    April 7, 2015 at 4:21 AM

    Fabulous, fabulous post Vanessa….I think not only every little girl should read this but it pertains to us all…You truly have a gift of sending out messages of life’s situations. and P.S. You are a great mom!

    Reply
  4. Hope Williams says

    April 7, 2015 at 5:05 AM

    Good morning Vanessa.
    One of the many things my husband and I learned in parenting classes to become foster parents was listening. When one of our kids was questioning themselves, we would engage two sides of a story. First, did you do anything that you could think of. Second, is this other person going through something that you know about.
    The answer was always a resounding YES for the other child. Foster kids tend to have so much in common, therefore are drawn to each other in school, extracurricular activities.
    My “answer” was always the same.
    How, what can you do to help. Let’s do something special for the other person. For us, it was a shopping trip, hair, nails, ( girls), boys was movie, skating, batting cage, etc. if just for a few hours, we could distract them enough to just set aside the real issue, the child could be a child for just a little while.
    Vanessa, you have a gift. A gift that is universal, and one size fits all. It’s called love. And Love conquers all! If more moms were half as good as you are, what a great world this would be.

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      April 8, 2015 at 7:08 AM

      Thank you so much Hope!! Your comment is so encouraging and bless you and your husband for becoming foster parents and pouring yourselves into the lives of those kids! 🙂

      Reply
  5. Cindy Bailey says

    April 7, 2015 at 5:14 AM

    This makes absolute since and phrased in a way even those who are not ready to hear this may actually understand. Thank you.

    Reply
  6. Nancy H says

    April 7, 2015 at 6:30 AM

    Perfect timing for this post….thanks!

    Reply
  7. Mimi Matthews Passionista At Large says

    April 7, 2015 at 6:53 AM

    Excellent!! Just perfectly written. Thank you. I need to post this on my blog.

    Reply
  8. Katy | Her Cup of Joy says

    April 7, 2015 at 7:01 AM

    I love how honest you are with your daughter. You have a great relationship!

    Reply
  9. Nikki says

    April 7, 2015 at 7:08 AM

    Very interesting read. Thanks.

    Reply
  10. vicky says

    April 7, 2015 at 8:46 AM

    Right on Sister.

    Reply
  11. Michele says

    April 7, 2015 at 9:53 AM

    Brilliantly and perfectly stated. Your daughter = the world – is a better place for knowing this. Well done. Amen!

    Reply
  12. Vickie Burch says

    April 7, 2015 at 2:47 PM

    Love it! Thai is so true. You need to read the book: I Thought It Was Just Me, by Brene’ Brown. It’s right on!

    Reply
  13. Carollynn says

    April 7, 2015 at 6:27 PM

    Great post, thank you for not being a afraid to speak from the heart.

    Reply
  14. Shelley Wetton says

    April 8, 2015 at 4:15 PM

    What a beautiful post! So well said and expressed. ~Shelley

    Reply

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I’m never.going.back to stressful, time-consumin I’m never.going.back to stressful, time-consuming seasonal decorating. When I think back on the years where I would feel all of the pressure to come up with something fresh and creative I’m seriously embarrassed. Truly. Because it was such a waste. A waste of my time, my energy, my resources. Something clicked with me a few years ago. I was just done. I needed to simplify. I needed to not spend an obscene amount of time looking at fireplace mantels on Pinterest and trying to figure out how to make mine look amazing. I needed to put it all in the proper place in my heart and my mind. Which meant, it had to go waaaaayyyy down on the priority list. So far down it almost wasn’t on it. And I needed to confess to the Lord that I had allowed it to become an idol. 

Yes, I want to have a home that I enjoy. Yes, I love pretty things. But something really amazing happened when I finally released it all. When I decided to not give into the pressure and panic I would feel when I would scroll through my Instagram feed. When I just laid it all down and said…enough. There was this incredible irony in it. Because, the less time I took to decorate my home for each season, the more I found myself loving the results. I think that all along I had just been getting in my own way. It’s really taken a lot of time and prayer for me to finally be at a place where even though I still struggle with insecurities and I still have doubts from time to time, I’m becoming increasingly more confident in who God created me to be. And, just like my home, I’m finding that as I relax into myself, letting go of the comparisons and the pressure, the more I can actually lean into the calling He has placed on my life. 🍂

Leave a comment if you can relate! 

#wearethehomemakers #homemaking
“As the alluring song of September begins to whi “As the alluring song of September begins to whisper in my ear, my passionate spirit yearns for the splendor of its promise.” (Peggy Toney Horton)

Happy September dear friends! While I’m not quite ready to let go of summer and I plan to make the most out of the lingering, warm days, I’ll admit to starting to think about my fall decor this year. And one way to get inspired is to take a look back at previous years. Here’s just a glimpse at some of the ways I’ve welcomed Autumn to my home! 🍂

#september #falldecorating #falldecor #falldecoratingideas #wearethehomemakers
Labor Day weekend might mean that we’re turning Labor Day weekend might mean that we’re turning the corner and getting closer to fall but I’m not quite ready to let summer go. So I’ll just be over here continuing to whip up some super simple summer meals for my family that frankly can be enjoyed in any season. These shrimp rolls I made the other night were definitely a hit and would be great for any of your upcoming holiday weekend gatherings!

Shrimp Rolls 🍤

Ingredients
1-2 lbs of shrimp that is peeled, deveined and tail off (If using frozen make sure it’s thawed completely)
1/3 cup mayonnaise 
1/2 of a lemon
2 Tbsps chopped scallions
1 Tbsp chopped dill
1 Tbsp chopped Italian parsley
1 Tsp of Old Bay seasoning (more if you like!)
pinch of sea salt and pinch of black pepper
Hoagie Rolls
Softened butter

Directions: Gently pat the shrimp with a paper towel to remove any excess moisture. Roughly chop the shrimp and place in a bowl. Add mayonnaise, squeeze half of lemon and stir to combine before adding in the scallions, dill and parsley. Stir to combine and then add the additional seasonings. Spread butter on hoagie rolls and toast in the oven until lightly browned. Pile on the shrimp mixture and enjoy! 

#shrimproll #foodie #weeknightdinner #easydinner #seafoodlover
Today has been a very Monday-ish kind of Monday. W Today has been a very Monday-ish kind of Monday. We woke up to the sound of chainsaws and rushed downstairs to find that our backyard neighbors were having two of the huge trees that line our shared fence removed. These trees have been here longer than the neighborhood and no, they weren't dead or causing damage to roofs, foundations, etc. They were beautiful and gave us wonderful privacy. We had no notice of this happening so this came as quite a shock. Because we were given no notice, we didn't have the chance to cover our outdoor furniture or plants and everything is now coated in a thick layer of sawdust including the fresh bark we recently put in the garden beds. And now our lovely privacy is gone, replaced by a direct view of an above ground pool and RV. I know, I know, it's totally a first world, privileged kind of problem to have. But, now we have to spend thousands of dollars on plants to try and recapture some semblance of privacy. Now we have days worth of clean up to do after we had JUST done a massive freshening up of our backyard. My overarching feeling has just been weariness at the way our world is today.

I think about how often we try to do right by people, to be respectful and courteous. To be thoughtful and considerate. And it’s not reciprocated. How its starting to seem more and more like people have just given up on those seemingly small niceties. And my soul just feels heavy. Because I feel like so much of what used to be common courtesy is not so common anymore. Drivers on the roads are angrier and more reckless than ever before. Red lights being run are an everyday occurrence around town. On our recent family vacation, I heard more people using the F word out in public than ever before even while around children. Where are manners? Where is kindness? I'm finding myself being surprised when someone is thoughtful because it seems like a rarity. And that's just all on a micro, local level. Don't even get me started on the insanity in our world/culture. After I returned from grocery shopping (which can also be soul crushing), I found myself desperate for a reminder of the truth. 

*Part 2 continued in the comments.*
How often is it in our lives that we don’t fully How often is it in our lives that we don’t fully grasp our strengths or our weaknesses until we are put to the test? Little did I know how much I would love my role as a wife, mother and homemaker until I became one. And that in my endeavor to do those roles to the best of my ability, it would bring to the forefront gifts and talents and blessings that I use outside of these walls.

As I water others, I’m watered too because it brings such joy to care for those around me. But it can also make me see more clearly the areas in which I’m lacking and be a very humbling reminder of how much I still need to grow and learn.

Proverbs 11:25 says, “Whoever brings blessing will be enriched and one who waters will himself be watered.”

Have you done any ‘watering’ of others this week? How has it blessed and ‘watered’ you in return?
“Mom, this is one of my favorite meals that you “Mom, this is one of my favorite meals that you make.” Statements like this from my kids fill me with so much joy and such a sense of assurance that my role as the maker of this home is one that makes an impact on them in both big and small ways. It’s not just sheet pan shrimp boil. 

It’s nourishment
It’s time together around the table
It’s laughing as we try to get the butter sauce out of the pan
It’s a memory
It’s an imprint on their lives 

The ordinary act of making a meal becomes EXTRAordinary. And I try to keep that in mind as I do this task day in and day out, year after year. 

***

Ingredients: 
1 pound baby red or yellow potatoes
Green beans or corn (4 ears cut in half) whichever you prefer
1/2 cup unsalted butter, melted
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 tablespoon Old Bay seasoning
1/2 tsp coarse sea salt and pinch of black pepper 
1 pound medium shrimp, peeled and deveined
1 (12.8-ounce) package smoked andouille sausage, thinly sliced
Crusty bread for dipping 

Directions:
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Lightly oil a baking sheet or coat with nonstick spray. In a large pot of boiling salted water, cook potatoes until just tender, about 10 minutes. Put potatoes, shrimp, sausage and green beans or corn on baking sheet. Pour butter over top. Sprinkle with old bay seasoning and salt and pepper. Mix well to combine. Bake for about 12 minutes or until shrimp is pink. 

#shrimpboil #sheetpandinner #sheetpanmeals #homemaking
Temperatures in the 100’s call for fresh and lig Temperatures in the 100’s call for fresh and light cocktails! My husband is my own built in bartender and he put this together the other night. 

2 jiggers of gin (you could also use vodka) 
*you should do a jig when using a jigger 😉*
Crushed ice 
Grapefruit tonic 
Squirt of lime 
Sprig of mint 

Easy and so refreshing!! ☀️

#cocktails #summercocktails
There is something magical about the late summer e There is something magical about the late summer evenings. Maybe it’s because we have a greater sense of the fact that these long days are slowly shortening and we want to savor them as much as we can. I know I intend to do just that. 

I hope you’re having a wonderful August so far dear friends!
Variations of this recipe are on repeat at our hou Variations of this recipe are on repeat at our house all summer long. We’re big on the ‘build your own’ method of making dinner especially on very hot days. Simplicity for the win! 
#recipes #easydinner #easydinnerideas #homemaking
In music, rhythm is a regular repetition or a grou In music, rhythm is a regular repetition or a grouping of beats. No matter what else a piece of music has in terms of its pitch or tone, the rhythm never changes. Its the stabilizing force and brings order to a composition that would be completely chaotic without it.

The same can be said of rhythms in our lives and in our homes. When everything else feels out of control, rhythms and patterns provide us with stability and something that we can rely upon to give us a sense of security in a very insecure world. But, too often, we associate the rhythmic things we do in our lives as merely tasks to be gotten through rather than gifts which provide much-needed balance.

Whether it’s making the coffee every night before we go to bed or doing my devotional in the morning before the rest of the house wakes up or watering my garden, these simple tasks provide a rhythm to my day that is truly grounding. 

What’s something that you do that you would classify as a rhythm or pattern in your week?
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