• Home
  • Privacy Policy
  • Contact
    • Collaborate
  • Blog
  • Parties
    • Children’s Parties Ideas
    • Holiday Parties
    • Adult Party Ideas
  • Holiday Ideas
    • Christmas
    • Easter
    • Fourth of July
    • Spring
    • Thanksgiving
    • Valentine’s Day
  • Seasons
    • Winter
    • Spring
    • Summer
    • Autumn
  • Recipes
    • Appetizers
    • Beverages
    • Desserts
    • Main Dishes
    • Side Dishes
    • Soups
  • Project Gallery
    • Crafts
    • Decorating
    • DIY
    • Good Ideas
    • Tutorials
  • Shop My Home
  • Nav Social Menu

    • Bloglovin
    • Email
    • Facebook
    • Instagram
    • Pinterest
    • Twitter

At The Picket Fence with Vanessa Hunt

Where Ideas for your Home Meet Inspiration for your Heart

  • Book
  • Speaking
  • Meet Vanessa
    • Featured

April 7, 2015

It’s Not You, It’s Me

We’re snuggled into the covers, talking and giggling in those precious minutes before I kiss her goodnight.

We make shadow puppets on the wall and she begs me to sing Jesus Loves Me in my best opera voice. I’m not going to lie folks, it’s epic. You’ll have to hear it sometime.

She thinks that she is stalling bedtime. But I know the truth. These are treasured moments, sacred and precious.

These are the moments when she will confide in me about her day. When she’ll laugh hysterically recounting something that happened in the lunchroom or when she’ll tell me how her feelings were hurt on the playground.

I ask her, “How are things going with that certain friend?”

And she says, “Well, I said ‘hi’ to her this morning but she just looked at me and turned the other way.” She gets quiet. I get quiet. She says, “It hurts my feelings Mommy. Why does she do that?”

I sift through multiple emotions…wanting to burst into tears…wanting to knock some sense into this other little girl…wanting to put my own sweet girl in a bubble to protect her from ever being hurt again.

I pray for the Lord to give me the right words. I want to tell her that things get better. That as she gets older she won’t have to deal with these kinds of encounters. But then that would just be a big fat lie, now wouldn’t it?

Because we all know that even as (supposedly) grown-up women, we experience those same situations. Those same hurt feelings. That same confusion.

So, I tell her the truth as I’ve come to understand it.

“It’s not you, sweetie, it’s her.”

Oh, how I wish I would have understood this at her age. Frankly, it’s only in the last couple of years that I’ve finally begun to really grasp it.

You see, for the better part of my life I’ve assumed that it was ME. There had to be a reason why that person didn’t like me. And it had to be something that I needed to change. The idea that it might have been THEM was totally foreign.

Why when I said ‘hi’ and smiled, would they not do likewise? It must mean I’m not worthy of their acknowledgement. Guess I better try harder, be cuter, dress more stylishly, be anyone else but…me.

What I didn’t know then was that there were two worlds colliding in that moment. There was something at work underneath the surface…their surface and my surface.

Something called insecurity.

We all have it, don’t we?

And if you think you don’t have it then, well, I hate to tell you this but you are insecure about that.

Just sayin’. 

But what I’ve come to realize as I’ve gotten older, is that just as we are all so uniquely different in our personalities, we are also uniquely different in how our insecurities manifest in our daily lives.

Maybe insecurity is what keeps someone from offering a smile and a ‘hi’. Maybe feeling in control of the friendship is what helps them combat the feelings of being out of control in other areas of their lives.

Maybe insecurity is what keeps someone trying over and over and over to get people to like them. Maybe trying so hard is what helps them combat the deep need to belong, to please, to be included.

Maybe insecurity is what keeps someone from celebrating another person’s success or paying them a compliment because they want so badly to achieve their goals or maybe they so desperately need to be the center of attention.

I think that for some time now, I’ve assumed that there is a hierarchy within the world of insecurity. Obviously having your insecurities manifest themselves in the form of trying too hard to please is MUCH nicer than having them manifest in not offering a smile to someone. But, who am I kidding?

It’s all damaging. It’s all destructive. It’s all ugly.

I want my precious daughter to understand that when that so-called friend decides to smile at her one day and ignore her the next, she is going to feel hurt. She is going to be confused and wonder what she has done. She is going to need to understand that it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with that friend’s insecurity.

But then, after that first wave of emotions, it becomes a different story.

Because when your insecurity meets my insecurity, we have two choices. We can either let them duke it out knowing there will be no winners. Or we can overwhelm them with grace and understanding knowing that then there is no way we can lose! 

We all have a choice to make. It might start about being about THEM and not about ME.

But how I process those feelings becomes about ME not about THEM. Are you tracking with me here?

I can’t control them. I can’t change them. But I can change me.

I can decide how I will process and internalizes those emotions.

I can decide whether I will retaliate by being the one to not smile or say ‘hi’ the next time.

I can decide whether or not I will congratulate that person on their success even if they have never been able to do the same for me?

I can decide if I will be willing to extend grace and forgiveness.

I can decide if I will allow my insecurities to function as a cloud over every encounter in my life. 

Lately, I’ve been playing the ‘what if’ game.

What if it didn’t have to be this way?

What if ALL of us realized that while we can’t change THEM we can change US?

What if we made peace with our insecurities?

What if when our insecurities met their insecurities there was sympathy and understanding instead of hurt and confusion?

What if we, gulp, actually acknowledge and even apologized for how our insecurities have wounded others? How they’ve tripped up relationships and made situations more complicated than they needed to be.

Just think what might happen!

I can imagine…

Healing

Reconciliation

Sympathy

Empathy

Peace

Joy

Does this have to exist only in my imagination?

I don’t know…you tell me! 😉

Vanessa signature

15 Comments Filed Under: Devotionals Tagged With: devotional, devotions

Subscribe

Get the latest goodness straight to your inbox!

Previous Post: « Good Friday Doesn’t Feel Good
Next Post: Repurposed Recipe Card Holder »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Ruth Ann says

    April 7, 2015 at 3:57 AM

    Thank you Vanessa…..it was exactly what I needed to read this morning..

    Reply
  2. Sherri Houston says

    April 7, 2015 at 4:16 AM

    Well done! Thanks!

    Reply
  3. Shirley@Housepitality Designs says

    April 7, 2015 at 4:21 AM

    Fabulous, fabulous post Vanessa….I think not only every little girl should read this but it pertains to us all…You truly have a gift of sending out messages of life’s situations. and P.S. You are a great mom!

    Reply
  4. Hope Williams says

    April 7, 2015 at 5:05 AM

    Good morning Vanessa.
    One of the many things my husband and I learned in parenting classes to become foster parents was listening. When one of our kids was questioning themselves, we would engage two sides of a story. First, did you do anything that you could think of. Second, is this other person going through something that you know about.
    The answer was always a resounding YES for the other child. Foster kids tend to have so much in common, therefore are drawn to each other in school, extracurricular activities.
    My “answer” was always the same.
    How, what can you do to help. Let’s do something special for the other person. For us, it was a shopping trip, hair, nails, ( girls), boys was movie, skating, batting cage, etc. if just for a few hours, we could distract them enough to just set aside the real issue, the child could be a child for just a little while.
    Vanessa, you have a gift. A gift that is universal, and one size fits all. It’s called love. And Love conquers all! If more moms were half as good as you are, what a great world this would be.

    Reply
    • At The Picket Fence says

      April 8, 2015 at 7:08 AM

      Thank you so much Hope!! Your comment is so encouraging and bless you and your husband for becoming foster parents and pouring yourselves into the lives of those kids! 🙂

      Reply
  5. Cindy Bailey says

    April 7, 2015 at 5:14 AM

    This makes absolute since and phrased in a way even those who are not ready to hear this may actually understand. Thank you.

    Reply
  6. Nancy H says

    April 7, 2015 at 6:30 AM

    Perfect timing for this post….thanks!

    Reply
  7. Mimi Matthews Passionista At Large says

    April 7, 2015 at 6:53 AM

    Excellent!! Just perfectly written. Thank you. I need to post this on my blog.

    Reply
  8. Katy | Her Cup of Joy says

    April 7, 2015 at 7:01 AM

    I love how honest you are with your daughter. You have a great relationship!

    Reply
  9. Nikki says

    April 7, 2015 at 7:08 AM

    Very interesting read. Thanks.

    Reply
  10. vicky says

    April 7, 2015 at 8:46 AM

    Right on Sister.

    Reply
  11. Michele says

    April 7, 2015 at 9:53 AM

    Brilliantly and perfectly stated. Your daughter = the world – is a better place for knowing this. Well done. Amen!

    Reply
  12. Vickie Burch says

    April 7, 2015 at 2:47 PM

    Love it! Thai is so true. You need to read the book: I Thought It Was Just Me, by Brene’ Brown. It’s right on!

    Reply
  13. Carollynn says

    April 7, 2015 at 6:27 PM

    Great post, thank you for not being a afraid to speak from the heart.

    Reply
  14. Shelley Wetton says

    April 8, 2015 at 4:15 PM

    What a beautiful post! So well said and expressed. ~Shelley

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Recipe Rating




Primary Sidebar

Search This Blog

Get the book!

Invite Vanessa to speak at your event!

Stay updated!

  • A New Look for the Family Room

    A New Look for the Family Room
  • Honey Tea Cake Loaf with Lemon Glaze

    Honey Tea Cake Loaf with Lemon Glaze
  • The Slow Exit

    The Slow Exit
  • Honed Quartzite Kitchen Counters Reveal

    Honed Quartzite Kitchen Counters Reveal

Sign Up and Never Miss A Post!

Must Reads

Latest Recipes

Honey Tea Cake Loaf with Lemon Glaze

Apple Bread Pudding

Grandma’s Banana Bread

view more recent recipes

Recent Posts

  • Laundry Room Makeover February 23, 2023
  • Winter Decorating Ideas January 27, 2023
  • Nostalgic Christmas Home Tour December 10, 2022
  • Vintage Inspired Hot Cocoa Bar November 21, 2022
  • Autumn Home Decor Tour October 7, 2022

Footer

Stay Connected!

Instagram

Happy Friday! I’m oh so thankful for beautiful s Happy Friday! I’m oh so thankful for beautiful sunshine especially when our family has been hit by illness this week. Everyone is on the upswing, thankfully, and I’m hoping we’ll fell well enough to get outside and soak up some much needed natural vitamin D. After so many days of wet, gloomy weather this is like balm for my soul! 🍃 What’s the weather like where you are?
Here is a friendly PSA for you...do not, I repeat, Here is a friendly PSA for you...do not, I repeat, DO NOT attempt to apply eyeliner while you have the hiccups. It won't go well. Trust me on this one! 😜

In other news, the hot cocoa station is finally gone and in it's place is a fresh new look that was kicked off by finding a beautiful, rustic vase at @homegoods. It feels like my home is rising up to welcome Spring and I'm so ready for sunshine and longer days. 🍃

Don’t forget to check out my stories tonight for Friday funnies! I love hearing from so many of you who say it’s your favorite way to wrap up your week. ☺️

Happy weekend to you dear friends!
It’s Tip Tuesday time! This week I’m sharing o It’s Tip Tuesday time! This week I’m sharing one of my most favorite ways to simply and inexpensively add seasonal decor to your home. There’s nothing like getting big impact with little effort and without breaking the bank! #tiptuesday #decorforless
What a gift it was to wake up on the first day of What a gift it was to wake up on the first day of March and see glorious sunshine greeting us after a few days of ice and snow. This is the month of hope and expectation and I’m here for it.

Happy March first dear friends! 🍃
Our first ‘laundry room’ wasn’t actually a r Our first ‘laundry room’ wasn’t actually a room at all. The 20+ year old washer and dryer we inherited after we got married was hooked up in the garage of our small townhouse. Our second ‘laundry room’ was an improvement because it was actually INSIDE the house but it was in our family room behind bifold doors.

So when we moved into this home 15 years ago I literally jumped up and down when I saw this real laundry room. Never mind that it had dated counters and an old stained sink. It was an actual room!

We made minor updates to it over the years but other, more visible, spaces took priority so we spent our resources on beautifying those.

But, last summer, we finally had new counters installed and made a few more updates that have completely transformed this room. 

Now, it’s almost a joy to do the laundry…almost! 😉

For more photos and details head on over to my website using the link in my bio.
“In you, LORD my God, I put my trust. I trust in “In you, LORD my God, I put my trust.
I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.

No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause.

Show me your ways, LORD, teach me your paths.

Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.

Remember, LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.”

Psalm 25:1-6
Ronald Reagan famously said that “all great chan Ronald Reagan famously said that “all great change in America begins at the dinner table.” I think this is true for everyone worldwide. You simply can’t put a value on the importance of gathering together for a meal with those you love. But, sometimes, we can struggle with getting the conversations flowing. So for this #tiptuesday, I’m sharing some tools we’ve used in our home. 🍃
There is just something about the combination of l There is just something about the combination of lemon and honey. It’s rustic yet fancy, sweet yet tart, spring-like yet comforting on a cold winters day. 

And that’s why this is hands down one of my favorite recipes! I decided to take a basic tea cake and turn it into a loaf of sweet, tart, simple yet fancy goodness and the only thing bad about it was how quickly it disappeared!

🍋You can find the recipe by following the link in my bio 🍯
“Have regular hours for work and play; make each “Have regular hours for work and play; make each day both useful and pleasant, and prove that you understand the worth of time by employing it well.” (Louisa May Alcott).

The sun is shining and it’s the perfect day to photograph our laundry room which got a bit of a makeover. This space is definitely useful as it bears the brunt of everyone tromping through it all day long but I think I’ve managed to make it pleasant as well. One of my greatest realizations in my homemaking journey was when I recognized that those two things weren’t mutually exclusive. In fact, it’s the pleasant that enhances the useful and vice versa.

I’ll have the rest of the makeover reveal on my website soon but I just couldn’t resist sharing a sneak peek with you today! 🌿
A little bit of snow and ice leading to a two hour A little bit of snow and ice leading to a two hour school delay and then a little bit of sunshine followed by fog. That’s how our Valentines Day began!

I’m so thankful for my cozy home and my loves who live here with me and I can’t wait to spoil them a bit tonight. We don’t go crazy on Valentine’s Day but I try to still make it sweet even if it’s simple. 💕

Do you celebrate at your house? What’s your favorite treat?
Load More... Follow
Privacy Policy

Copyright © 2023 · Divine theme by Restored 316

Copyright © 2023 At The Picket Fence