‘Love your neighbor as yourself’, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’.
I repeated these words in my head over and over again all that day as the music from the neighbors who live behind us blared. I repeated them to myself when I could hear it through our closed windows. I repeated them to myself when it prohibited us from being able to eat dinner outside because, call me crazy, I didn’t want to have to explain what the lyrics of the song ‘Blurred Lines’ mean to my children.
I repeated them to myself when 7 hours later the music was still blaring even though the neighbors weren’t outside anymore.
I repeated them to myself when after I calmly and kindly asked if they could turn the music down they refused to do so.
I repeated them to myself when their children decided to play a screaming ‘game’ so that they could be heard above the music.
And all the while, I was seething inside.
These neighbors had received gifts and meals from us when their babies were born. These neighbors received a check from us to cover the entire expense of repairing a portion of a fence we share since the husband is a contractor and was able to do the work himself.
And yet, when it came down to it, they were going to do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted no matter how it affected THEIR neighbors.
It just wasn’t right. It felt so unfair. We are always being so careful about showing respect for our neighbors and making sure our kids aren’t screaming their heads off while people are eating dinner (or ever for that matter!) and we try so hard to be kind and gracious to those around us.
What on earth is the point of this whole ‘loving your neighbors as yourself’ business anyway? Are we just supposed to put up with everything?
“Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.” Leviticus 19:18
I’ve repeated that same mantra in other situations too.
For many years I’ve dealt with a very difficult relationship. And ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’ translated in my mind to ‘don’t speak up’, ‘don’t defend yourself’, ‘don’t address the issue’, ‘sweep it under the rug’. And the fact that this way of thinking was reinforced by the people closest to the situation didn’t help matters. In fact, all it did was ingrain in me the idea that ‘loving my neighbor’ was the equivalent of being a doormat.
The burden of loving them and pursuing them (no matter how many times I was rejected) rested solely on my shoulders because that’s what it means to really love someone, right?
I’ll never forget the moment when I read this blog post written by Emily Freeman of Chatting at the Sky. I wept through most of it. I sat there in the quiet of my home and in the deep recesses of my heart, I felt like I was being given permission to let go of the pursuit. To let go of being that doormat for people to wipe their feet on as they passed by. It was truly the first time I felt I fully understood what grace really meant.
“There may be a person or people in your life to whom you have shown grace and from whom grace has not been returned. Over and over again. Or even worse, you have been hurt by them in big ways, causing deep wounds and the need for soul healing. Showing grace towards them does not necessarily mean you are to remain quiet and continue to pursue them and allow the rejection to go on and on. Instead, showing grace means releasing them of the responsibility to meet your needs – perhaps your need to be loved, to be understood, to be right, to be safe – it may mean you are to continue to pursue that person. But it may not.” ~ Emily Freeman
I’ve always had the sense that being a ‘good’ Christian girl means that while I am expected to speak out against the injustice being done to others, I’m not supposed to speak out about any injustice being done to me. It’s not that I was ever actually told that, it’s just that the whole concept of ‘loving your neighbor as yourself’ has morphed into this idea that we must always, always, always be ‘nice’.
It’s the four letter word that I struggle with the most! Not because I struggle with being nice. In fact, it’s the EXACT opposite. I struggle with being too nice. Too pleasing. Too accommodating. Too big of a doormat.
And the frustration, hurt, confusion and anger (yes anger) builds inside of me.
But, what I’ve realized recently is that I’ve been entirely missing the point of that verse. I’ve been reading it all wrong. Backwards in fact! I’ve only focused on the ‘loving your neighbor’ part and have totally ignored the ‘as yourself’ part.
How are we to love ourselves? Well, we are to love ourselves as God loves us, right? And how does God love us?
“And I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:17-19
Until we fully grasp the depth of God’s love for us it is absolutely impossible to extend that same kind of love to others.
But, part of grasping the depth of God’s love for us means we must continue growing in our faith. It might even require something of us.
On Sunday our pastor was talking about how closely emotional maturity is linked to spiritual maturity. And being spiritually mature means that we are continually asking Him to reveal to us the sin in our lives. The things that don’t line up with His desires for us.
Loving ourselves means understanding that HIS love for us comes complete with the challenge to grow more like Him.
So, if we are to love others as we love ourselves, this too comes complete with a challenge, right?
The challenge to understand that loving doesn’t always feel ‘nice’. It doesn’t always mean letting people do whatever they want, whenever they want all in the name of ‘loving your neighbor’. Sometimes true ‘loving’ can seem like anything but. But if our definition of love has always centered around the idea of never being challenged or gently called to task or confronted then we are in for a world of hurt.
Can we control what people do? Of course not. Can we speak the truth in love? Yes. Will it always be received? No.
But, part of loving is risking. It’s a risk to stand up for ourselves. It’s a risk to defend the truth. It’s a risk to share how deeply hurt you are. Sometimes the risk pays off. Many times it doesn’t.
And what then is required of us?
To love. To just love them anyway.
We can set boundaries and they might be broken. We can ask someone to turn their music down and they might turn it up. We can extend friendship over and over and over and over again only to have it rejected each time.
But we love them anyway. Do we have to like them? No. Will we want to out our house on the market and get the heck out of Dodge? Maybe! Do we continue to put ourselves in situations ripe for hurt and rejection over and over again? Only if we are gluttons for punishment! 😉
But we are called to love them anyway. Not because we ‘feel’ like it.
But because HE first loved US!
I wish you were my neighbor! Kindness does not flow freely in my neighborhood. Being told to “—- off” by a 15 yr. old girl & her sister, who I kindly asked to not cut through my flower beds, I too struggle. Good to hear I’m not the only one. I have to practice being a good Christian woman because, my first instinct is to punch her in the face.
So well written Vanessa!!
This post is so beautiful and very appropriate. Whether we are women with younger children, teenagers, or grandchildren. All of us meet people every day and could always be a little more kinder, especially to those who offend us. We don’t need to be abused by others but still we should not behave like them. I found that by setting the example when my children were small they caught on better. Life is what we make it.((HUGS)) Jo
These kind of direct personal assaults when all you have been is kind, are the hardest to try to forgive. I say try because I know I am not there yet (being able to quickly forgive offenses). I’d like to be, I think, but I know that kind of growth usually comes via experience.
You are far more patient than I am. About hour four, I might have called the police for a noise complaint….
I so appreciate your transparency. I believe, though, that we do already love ourselves – are in love with ourselves – and that loving ourselves is not something we need to learn to do. ‘Love your neighbor as (you do love) yourself’; love our neighbor like we love ourselves = do unto others as you would have them do to you. We are self-centered creatures and our Creator desires that we learn to put others before ourselves. And you know how much we, in our human-ness just LOVE to do that! Not.:) It sounds like He’s giving you the grace to continue to love your neighbor! You have overcome.
You are so right Suzanne! We are definitely self-centered creatures which is why we have to learn to love ourselves the way God loves us which includes weeding out the sin which is usually always about being selfish and self-centered, right? Around and around we go. LOL! Thanks so much for coming over and commenting. I so appreciate it!
Another beautiful message from you. Being “too nice” is something I learned from my mom. She somehow could never learn to love herself. I realized this about myself too and try, try, try to love as Christ loves. I need to save this word from you today and read it over and over. I hope you realize your blog is a ministry. I believe The Lord is using you now and has great things in store for you.
Nancy I just wanted you to know that your comment brought tears to my eyes and I have read it many times since you wrote it. I so appreciate your words and the affirmation of our blog being a ministry. You spoke truth and encouragement into my heart and it has blessed me more than I can express! Thank you!
Vanessa
This is one of the hardest messages, isnt it? The expectation that others will not be mean-spirited or see individual’s rights as due to each of us falls short! There seems to be a real loss of the sense of true community, often replaced by self-centeredness or the lack of awareness (or not caring) the about impact of their actions on others. I once was told that if I expect someone else to do something for me, if that ‘contract’ isnt signed by the other guy, it will turn out a broken contract – sure enough!
My mother used to say that some people feel they are more entitled than others – that is a good one! While some will say that it is due to an erosion of faith and even religion in people, I feel that those beliefs are simply a good way to run a world even if you elect to be without religion. We surely dont have role models – it has to be a very hard time to raise children. I so respect you and the goodness you share with us.
Such a difficult situation. You just want people to extend some kindness back. We do need to stand up for ourselves which is so hard. And in fact, we aren’t promised everyone will like us. I don’t personally like that part. But if it’s about people liking me than it’s all about me.
I read your post this morning just before this happened: at 8:20 am, my neighbor’s roofers began working. Yes, on this beautiful, warm SUNDAY, they planned to re-roof their house! Now it’s 3pm and they’re still at as I sit in my normally quiet, peaceful backyard. Not only that, but the air show is happening about 5 miles away-every year they fly over our home on their way back to the airport!
Your post is a good, timely reminder to love my neighbor. 🙂
We actually had to sell our last house because of horrid neighbors because my husband said if we stayed there he would end up ruining his testimony. 🙂 we love our new house and can see God’s reason for putting us here. That said, our new neighbors seriously “live” outside by their pool which is near our bedroom. They have a tv out there, stereo and constant stream of house guests. My husband works so we retire earlier than they do since off course their guests are on vacation. Sigh. There are times I just want to yell mean things out the door but in most ways they are great neighbors. So I have been where you are and even now with mostly good neighbors I struggle with how a good Christian family behaves when they “love their neighbor”. Another great, thought provoking post.
I think of myself as a Christian person–but I guess I’m not going to sound like it and be the singular “negative” voice in all the comments.
I think we teach people how to treat us. By not speaking up in times when we should, I think it sends the message that we [don’t really matter–so treat us ANY way you want.]
Your neighbors don’t have to like you -but- some people only learn “respect” through law enforcement unfortunately. I’m certainly not suggesting you call the police at every turn, but clearly they don’t think beyond themselves and need a little “help.”
Law enforcement = rules. God has rules for us, Government has rules for us, parents have rules for children…schools, work, police, society, churches AND the bible. They all give us checks and balances. Absolutely be tolerant, considerate, respectful and kind–but stand up for yourself too!
We’re dealing with new neighbors who yell and cuss LOUD vulgarities at their dogs with regularity. Under our bedroom windows. At 6:30 and 7 AM! And this is just ONE of MANY grievances they have put us through. I was patient, tolerant, and quiet–to a point. We’ve tried neighborly conversations with them but it continues. We’ve since warned them that maybe the police should intervene….it’s up to them now. Some issues are quieter.
It’s just sad. I truly feel for your situation–
Catherine
Catherine I absolutely agree with you! We totally teach people how to treat us! And that’s always been my problem. I’ve allowed people to walk on me all because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do in being a nice Christian and ‘loving my neighbors’. It’s been a hard lesson to learn and I’m still figuring out how to love people while setting boundaries and standing up for myself. I definitely don’t have it figured out! I so appreciate your insight. 🙂